Theo (Boyxboy)(Trans)

Chapter Twenty

Walking up the front steps of the church I've frequented most of my life, I feel as though there should be some sense of comfort in being somewhere familiar to me, or a feeling of belonging, but it just looks cold. These people all around me hold a belief i do not, or at least a belief I lost a long time ago. They're here with purpose-- to seek answers and comfort. I'm a fraud, and I feel it as I enter and go through the act of blessing myself with holy water upon entering the church and offering a fake smile to the pastor with whom my mother shares whispered words of grief and consolation. 

Glancing up, I notice quickly how poorly Carter is holding up. His eyes are downcast, and he's fiddling with the buttons on his jacket, and I don't miss the way they tremble. I slowly--so as to avoid startling him--reach out and take his hand in mine and lead him past our family to take a seat in one of the pews up front. We sit together, and in the short silence, I close my eyes and take comfort in the only family it feels I truly have left as he does the same.

"I'm so scared, Theo," Carter whispers eventually, causing me to look up and realize he'd started to cry again. "I don't want to lose my mom. How am I going to live without her?"

I open my mouth, but feel tears choke me when I realize I don't have an answer, because I'm not sure how I'll live without her either. She's been a rock for both of us for so long, and to lose her and be left in this harsh world without her reassuring words, comforting embraces, and guidance--how were we to navigate this life?

"I'm scared, too," I whisper, feeling like if i spoke any louder, everything would crumble around us. "It's not okay right now, but we will be. I promise, Carter."

I'm not sure how much I believe my own words, but I know they're what he needs to hear and maybe he knows I'm speaking with false confidence, but he squeezes my hand and thanks me earnestly anyway. Soon, our family joins us after meeting with everyone who came to offer prayers and condolences--everyone knows that my aunt isn't coming back.

The pastor eventually goes up to his podium, making conversation with everyone, giving condolences to my family as well. He spoke of my aunt, but it felt so empty and impersonal. Did anyone here even actually know her? They talk of the things they liked about her, but not everything that made her the wonderful woman she was--is. Yeah, she volunteered at the soup kitchen and brought baked goods to luncheons, and maybe she gave advice and helped a few people within our church, but there's so much more. She was a gay rights activist in her youth, and when she was twenty she told my family she was going on a month long trip to new york to pursue a journalism career, but had met a man in a motorcycle gang and travelled across half the states with a group of strangers and busked for money and gave to the poor and just lived. Her stories--her secrets-- make up who she is, and the fact no one here sees her for her, makes me angry that they get to talk about her at all. This woman inspired me, and instilled an unruly desire for freedom in me.

Fidgeting in my seat, I wince when my brother accidentally bumps my ribs. He notices me flinch and furrows his brow, "Sorry, you okay?"

I put on a smile and nod, "Yeah, just tickled a little."

He accepts that and turns back to listening to the pastor and others speaking. I'm exhausted at this point and just want to go home and sleep and I realize I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go after this. I want to go back to rene's, but my mom might throw a fit if I up and leave again. Plus, Carter needs me and I can't possibly impose on Rene any further asking for him to stay there, too. 

"Hey, is that Reed?" Carter whispers suddenly, making my heart jump as I turn in the direction he's staring.

Just what I need, like everything isn't stressful and overwhelming enough. Naturally, Reed's eyes drift our way and it isn't long before he and I make eye contact and he's offering me a sad smile. I almost smile back, but find I just can't. I feel empty and numb at the sight of him and the horrific situation I created for myself. I feel sick lying to him, and I can't just let the curtain drop and reveal everything suddenly because I'm upset right now, because I know I'll deeply regret it. So, I choose the only option left; avoidance.