365 days of Darkness // Z.M.

Day 193

January 31th, 2010

Was I always in Dr. Jefferson's office back then ? Yes I was. 

Sitting on the edge of the couch, I was blankly staring at the wall behind my psychologist. I didn't knew what to say, I didn't knew nothing. I wanted to talk about a lot of things, but I didn't knew how to find to words. 

- Take you time, Zayn. You're not in a hurry.

I nodded, before looking down to my feet. Finding how to say things were hard. It still is. I ran my fingers through my hair, before taking a huge breath.

- I was bullied, did you know ? 

- I didn't, he answered, taking note of this. 

- Well, I was. By my ex's boyfriend. At least, they were together when I left town. It's stupid, but it affected me a lot. He was always laughing at me and I think he was the one sending my those text message.

- You never told me about text message.

I smiled a bit, before looking up to Dr. Jefferson. I had only told that thing to my sister, only once. I didn't wanted people to find out that I was receiving threats over my phone. I would only have looked even worst from their point of view. Like I was deserving it. 

- Who wants to talk about those kind of things anyway ? No one will go see someone else and be like "hey mate, someone told me that I'm a freaking jerk. How's your day so far ?" No one do that. And, for once, I was like everyone else. 

He nodded, doing like he was understanding. I didn't knew why I told him all of that, I just needed to let it all out. A silence filled the room and I bit my lips. I wanted to talk about something else, but... Just by thinking about it, I was able to feel my eyes getting full of tears. 

- What's wrong Zayn ? Is there something else you want to talk about ?

I took a deep breath, trying to hold my tears. But one of them rushed down my face, dying on the corner of my lips.

- I feel like I'm the worst brother of the year... Like I should have been there more for my sister. Waliyha went through literally hell and she stood up, she never fell. She never gave up, she stayed who she was. And Doniya... She was just... She stayed too. She fought. And Safaa did her best. Why couldn't I ? Why did I had to fall and break down ? I don't know, I just... I just feel like I should have been better, for them. 

- You are good for them. I'm sure they love you Zayn. And you'll have plenty of time to show them, when you'll be home. Soon.

- You'll send me back home soon ? I asked, hoping.

He nodded and I wiped my tears. I needed to stay strong, to see my sister and Mom again. I knew that I was able to do it.

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So, I catch up every entry, I'm proud of myself ! Yeaaah ! I wanted to tell you something, but I forgot. Shit.