365 days of Darkness // Z.M.

Day 126

November 25th, 2009

I've been waken up by a nightmare, it was freaked out. I can't remember what it was, but I literally jumped of off my bed. I was breathing freaking fast, I was sweating, I wanted to cry. I sat down on the floor, laying my back against the wall. It took me a while before having my breathing back to normal. A lot of time. And, after that, I couldn't get back to sleep. So I sat there , on the floor, next to my bed, for more than two hours before my clock went off. 

That wasn't a good start for my day. 

The rest of it wasn't good neither. 

I didn't had a sign from Mark at all, so I was back at being all alone again. I wasn't understanding a thing in math, Derek laughed at me during the whole science class and I had to spend the English one without a chair. Nice. The worst of that shitty day ? The PE class.

We were inside, so I couldn't keep my long sleeves. It was freaking me out a bit. I had never been without them since I first cut myself. PE classes were outside since that day, so I could have wore a jacket or something. But not that time. 

I changed myself in shorts and t-shirt next to every other guy of my class in the locker-room and I was staring at my wrists. Cuts were... They were there. And the butterflies were making them even more visible. But for nothing in the world I would have regret it. I preferred the laughing of the other than erasing those drawings made by Safaa. 

All of the students sat on the floor, while the teacher were explaining things. I wasn't listening, all I could do was staring at my cuts. I tried to hide them, putting my palms on them. It was working, until we had to started to move. I've been able to hide them during an other five minutes, while all of us were running over the gym. After, I saw the basketball ball and I knew it wouldn't end well. I should have missed this class, that's what I kept telling myself while two captains were doing the team. I wasn't in the last one chosen, only because people knew that I'm kind of good at sports. 

The game started and I grabbed the ball quickly. I threw it to a girl in the front and she tried to throw in the basket but it was a bit not strong enough. I was going back and forth and the field for a long time. People had gave me weird look, because they saw the butterflies and the cuts. I did like I didn't mind but... It wasn't that easy. 

The worst part if the class was about five minutes before it ended. I was in a man to man with Derek and I had the ball. I was trying to escape him, but he was fast. At some point, he started to smile and I knew he had saw the cuts. 

- Didn't knew you were drawing on skin too. I thought it was just a girl thing... Oh yeah, I forgot... You're a girl. 

He had whispered that, no one except me had heard him. I was destabilized by his words and he get the ball at that moment, just before I rushed out of the gym. That guy was just getting way too much on my nerves. I changed myself quickly, happy to have long sleeves again, and I left school. I didn't wanted to be in the locker-room when all the boys would be too. 

I was feeling like a total mess. Nothing unusual.