365 days of Darkness // Z.M.

Day 172

N/A : Dedication to @cleomac, because she's the only one liking each of the entries ! Thanks a lot xx

January 10th, 2010

I didn't slept at all that night. Not one single minute, or even second. I heard every single one of the tic and the tac of the small clock on my nightstand. I thought that I would lose my mind but it never happened. I was tired, I wanted to sleep forever. Even more after hearing my Mom crying on the phone the day before. 

January 10th was also the day they took my bandages off. Surely not a good idea. I was sitting on a uncomfortable chair, while a nurse - not my usual nurse, a guy - was looking at the scars. I knew he was judging me, judging what I had done. But I didn't mind, nothing mattered. Yes, I had tried to kill myself. No I wasn't proud, but I would have done it anytime if I had the chance. Life wasn't for me, anyway. 

- They looked clean, he told me like I minded. They healed well. Keep them that way, okay ?

I shrugged and, as soon as he let go of my arm, I was back on my feet, putting my sleeves down. He was the only one I had let touched me in there since I had arrived. Only because I knew that it would only took a few minutes than I'd be free again. And because I was so damn tired of having those bandages on. They were getting on my nerves, as everything was. 

I had a meeting with my psychologist that day. I didn't wanted to go, but my nurse almost slapped me when I looked at the door of my room. She was nothing like what I had expected. Way too smiling, a way to hide the fact that she was a total psycho. It's probably that place that made her that way. Anyway. The session went in an almost silence, Dr. Jefferson only said a couple of words in the middle of it. 

- If that's how I will have your trust Zayn, it's okay. I'll wait. 

Still working on why the fuck he told me that. And it's been more than six months. That dude was weird. 

When I got back to my room, I had been forced to eat again and my nurse escorted me. I had wished she would let me alone, but she didn't. She stayed in there, looking at my every move. I seriously thought about punching her. But she left before I could. I closed the door behind her and really wished those doors to have lock. I got undressed and let myself felt on the mattress. My fingers found their way the both of my wrist and, without I could thought about it, my nails were ragging against my skin, making deep red marks on them. Reopening the cuts. Two tears ran down my cheeks. Only two tears. Nothing more. No scream, no sobbing, no shaking.

Only two tears. 

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This is short, I'm sorry ! I was busy all night with my math homework, fuck it. Trying to do something better tomorrow ! xx