365 days of Darkness // Z.M.

Day 156

December 25th, 2009

I was sitting on the bench for a long time. Way before they brought the casket in. I had my little piece of paper in my hand and none of the words seemed good enough for Safaa. 

I was disconnected from the world, I didn't even realized that the ceremony was started. All I could hear was my uncle talking in front of everyone and sobs. My Mom was probably the worst, she was holding my arm was too strongly and she hided her face onto my shoulder. Then, someone call me, I don't know who, and I had to go in front. I passed in front of the casket and I saw that girl who wasn't my sister. She couldn't be. That moment. It was the one I started to feel pain inside of my chest. I stood in front of everyone, my little piece of paper in my hand and I stared at Safaa. I took a deep breath and I started to talk. The voice I had wasn't mine at all. 

- Safaa, she... She was my Princess. She... She had the... Sorry.

I started to run, I left the room, I needed to go outside. Pain had catch me. It was way too much for me. I was outside, snow was falling from the sky. It was Christmas day, I was all alone outside of my sister's funeral, dressed in a nice black dressing suit. I couldn't breath, tears were filling my eyes. I lost it. This is the moment when everything felt apart. 

Then I saw my father, leaning on the brick wall, a bear in his hand. By his smell, I could tell that he had drank way much more than only that bear. I went in front of him and I just lost it. I punched him, making his nose bleed. 

- I told you not to come ! You didn't cared when she was alive, don't care now that she's DEAD !

I punched him again and Doniya get out at that moment. She stopped my fist to meet my father's jaw once more. She took me away, in her car. I was shaking all the way up to our house. I couldn't helped it. As soon as she parked in the driveway, I jumped out of the car and rushed inside. I just needed to be alone, to let all that go. I ran upstairs, locking myself in my room. I went into the bathroom, getting undressed. I just kept my boxer and opened the shower. I grabbed my razor and broke it, to get a blade. I then get into the shower and sat on the floor. That was when I broke down. It was the first time I cried since Safaa's death. I looked down at the butterflies, those fucking butterflies she had done. 

I wasn't supposed to make them go, but Safaa wasn't supposed to leave me neither. So I rubbed my palm against my wrist, making the ink disappeared. I was shaking, every part of my body was. I couldn't think clearly, I just wanted the pain to go away. I was crying, and sobbing, and hating the world. Hating everything and everyone. Even Safaa. She didn't had the right to leave me ! She wasn't supposed to ! 

I cried for a long time, until the water from the shower went as cold as the snow outside. But I didn't mind. There was still a bit of ink on my skin, I could still saw the butterflies. But breaking them wouldn't hurt anyone, now, right ? Safaa was dead. So I put the blade on my skin, and I cut. I cut, and cut, and cut. I don't know how many times I did that. A lot of times. Way too much times. Everything became dizzy and I couldn't see straight. Because of the water, of the tears or because of anything else. My vision went dark and I lost everything that I still had. That was it. I had broke down.

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I told you it was a huge chapter today ! And on Christmas day, that so damn sad :( But it was the timing I needed. I'm going to Philadephia for a couple of days, for a school trip. So I won't post until I'm back, so sorry (or not) to leave you with day ! Love you all xx