365 days of Darkness // Z.M.

Day 174

January 12th, 2010

I was once again in Dr. Jefferson's office. It was like I was spending all my time there when I was in that center. He talked once again about that "she" that wanted to come to see me. I did nothing to me. We both stayed silent for a while, maybe an hour or so, before he got up of his chair and walked up to his desk. 

- Let's try something else, okay ?

He got back in front of me, dropping a sheet and a pencil on the small table between us. And, in the first time in a long, long time, I felt something. It wasn't much, just the need of drawing something. I took the pencil and, before I could pressed the tip of it on the paper, the man stopped me. 

- Draw something you want to tell me. The way you're feeling right now. What you want. 

I nodded, a sign that I understood. And I let myself fell into drawing. I was lost in it and I never realized how much I had missed drawing. It was just... That. The simple thing of not being a total part of the world for a moment, like the time had been on the "pause" button of the remote. Like I was lost in my own world. Some place where there was only me. My heart was aching, but it wasn't the same. It was more painful, more awake. More... More real too. Probably way too much. That was the goal of that exercise, I was sure. 

When my drawing was finally over, I looked at it. It was a dark thing. At the foreground, there was bars, like jails' ones. Behind them, there was a guy, both of his hand wrapped around the bar. He seemed lifeless, his eyes were closed. A rope was around his neck, leading to the roof. The corner of the paper were all black, as much as almost all the sheet. 

- Mind if I give a look ? Dr. Jefferson asked me. 

I shook my head, I thought he already had. In a way, I was glad that he asked the permission to do it. I was starting to find that he wasn't that bad. A bit weird, but not that bad. After a while, he gave me back my sheet. 

- Your mind is a dark place, Zayn. But we will get it out of it. 

He then made me a sign to go and, without thinking about it, I was away. 

That night, in my small bed, lights closed, I thought about that. The goal of me being here was to get better. That was what everyone wanted. That I would get better so I would stopped annoying them with all of my drama. So, that was what I planned on doing. I'd be better and they'd let me alone again. I just had to acted for a bit. I was good at it. I had been doing that for more than five months, back then. I was surely able to do it a bit more. 

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So, what did you guys thought about this one ? Good or not ? I think it's not so bad, for once ! 

Love u all xx