365 days of Darkness // Z.M.

Day 118

November 17th, 2009

Doniya went to school that day, so I was a bit less worried. But still. I called her at every break, which made her laughed. At least, she was a bit happy. 

For me, school was the exact same bullshit as always. Classes that you can't understand a thing, people laughing at you, eating all alone, wanting to go home. It wasn't something funny at all. I was only wishing Safaa was still on for our movie night. I was holding on that probably way too tight. 

I walked up to the hospital directly after school, I didn't needed anything from home. I had all the movies in my bag. As soon as I came into the room, I knew that something was wrong. Safaa was nowhere to be found. I went back into the hallway, searching with urge for my sister's nurse. She was out of sigh too. I looked in all the floor, before founding my Mom. Alone. I rushed to her and she smiled. But her eyes were bloodshot, she had cried not too long ago. 

- Mom, what's happening ? I asked, nervously. 

- She's alright, don't worry...

But, damn, I knew by my Mom's voice that she wasn't alright at all. 

- Where is she ?

- She's alright, Zayn... 

- Where ? 

I wanted to know. I needed to know where she was. I needed her.

- Treatment. She'll stay the night in that room. She's alright. Let's get home.

- No. No, I'm staying there.

- Zayn. 

I wanted to tell her a lots of things, like I wasn't letting my sister there all alone, all night. I was just about to start running, to find that fucking treatment room, when my eyes met my Mom's ones. She was tired. Tired of fighting, tired of sadness, tired of everything. So I just nodded and we walked side to side until we reached the car. I put my bag on the passenger seat. But I couldn't sat there. So I started to run, I was running away. It was always that. I was running away from my life. If only I could...

When I get back home, I was tired. Not only physically, but also psychologically. I smiled lightly at my Mom and sisters, who were watching some TV shows in the living room, before getting upstairs. I locked myself in my room, letting my body fall on the bed. I then stared at the ceiling, for so long. And I was thinking. I was always thinking. That time, I was thinking about Safaa, how she would look like in that small bed in the treatment room. What type of pain was holding her small body. My fingers were running over my cuts and I wanted to do an other one. It took me everything not to get up and place the blade on my skin. I was only doing that because of the butterflies. Because I couldn't hurt my little princess. She was everything to me, I couldn't hurt her. 

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Bad entry, again. I'm so, so, so sorry ! Love you all xx

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