Taken | h.s + bey ✔️

30. Just a Little Crazy

I dissociated in the shower for at least an hour.

The depersonalization felt good for the first time ever. It was nice to feel like I wasn't me. Or that I was me but not real. It's hard to explain.

I stepped out of the shower and instead of wrapping a towel around myself, I carelessly let the water from my body drip to the floor.

I've been careless about a lot ever since he... burned me. It wasn't long ago; just a few nights ago, actually. But my change in character since then has been drastic, highly due to all the depersonalizing and whatnot.

I padded over to the mirror above the sink and swiped my palm across it to wipe away some of the fog. I stared at myself for I don't know how long. My thoughts drifted and I tried to imagine being in the happy place that I had created but I couldn't even manage to do that.

I turned and faced my back toward the mirror and looked over my shoulder to see the mark that was left.

It was so ugly. The size of a footprint almost. It was pink and peel-y. Just... awful. Who does this someone? Why? I'll forever have a scar on my back to remind me of what he did to me. Everything he's done to me.

I stared at the burn until I started to feel extreme anger and sadness. My eyes started to water as I glared angrily at the burn.

I tore my eyes away from it with a scoff and wrapped it with one of Rose's thin, white blouses I'd found. I covered it with the blouse and pulled the sleeves around— one over my shoulder, the other underneath my opposite armpit— and tied it in the front. I got dressed and stormed out of the bathroom.

Even after not looking at it anymore, I continued to feel more and more disgruntled.

By the time I'd reach the center of the bedroom, a stream of angry tears were flowing and my breath was shaky.

The sadness spoke first, "Somebody help me," I whispered to myself.

"Help," my voice squeaked and I squeezed my eyes shut. I took a second to regulate my breathing and stop from shaking, but then the anger took over.

I balled my fist as my breathing went from shaky to heavy. I opened my eyes and took a quick look around the room. I was angry but didn't know how to express it. I had no one to yell at. No one to punch.

I let the anger take control and instead of speaking, it led me to the bedroom door.

With a growl, I started wildly banging and kicking on the door, trying to break it. "Let me out of here, you crazy bastard!" I shouted, hoping he could hear all of this.

As much as I kicked and beat on the door, I didn't even manage to create a crack in the thick wood. As much as I screamed and growled and cursed at him, he didn't appear.

I gave up on the door and swung around to look around the room.

First, I went to the bed and ripped all the pillows, covers and sheets off of it and flung them to the floor with breathy grunts.

I stormed over to the window and attempted to yank the bars off of them. I knew it was hopeless. If I hadn't, I would've tried it a long time ago. But I was so mad. Everything that I was doing was out of my control and through the impulse of my feeling pissed off and just a little crazy.

Then, I stormed over to the armoire— kicking at everything in my path. I swung the doors open and flung everything that was inside, across the room and on the floors. Clothes, hangers, shoes, boxes, everything. I didn't even realize it, but I was screaming the entire time.

In the back of my mind, I knew I was doing all of this so he'd come up here. He hasn't shown his face in days. The only time I even got food was when he would toss something inside while I was in the shower. Coward.

I wanted to see him. I wanted to use all this strength and anger I finally had to hurt him. Right now, I feel like I could kill him with my bare hands.

The thought might be a reach, but still.

I pulled out the box of journals and flung it behind me, causing all of the journals and pictures to fly out. I took the jewelry box and did the same.

Without thinking, I snatched the black box out of the closet. My conscious partially kicked in when I held it in my hands and I didn't fling it across the room. Instead, I held it up and forcefully threw it to the ground near my feet.

The box didn't break into pieces to where everything flew out, but apparently the lock had broke. My eyes widened when I saw that it was now cracked open and I froze.

The shock made my anger ease— for the moment. I stared at it before slowly dropping to my knees in front of it. I hovered my hands over it as I mentally argued with myself over whether I should just look inside or not.

I know I'm not supposed to open it, but technically, it's already opened... I would just be opening it more to see what's inside. The side at me that wanted to open it won when I realized that I truly didn't give a fuck about anything at the moment.

I lifted the top open and my eyebrows jolted. I looked inside of the box with wide eyes and blinked. I don't know what I thought was going to be in the box, but it wasn't this.

White chalk, small bottles of a variety of unknown things, tiny bones, (what looks like) animal hair, stones, feathers, a voodoo doll and other small things that I don't understand.

I stared inside the box, unable to take my eyes off of it before finally slamming it shut. I quickly put it back where it was: deep in the bottom of the armoire. I took a deep breath and I was actually surprised at how shocked, but not really shocked I was.

I was shocked because I wasn't expecting that.

But at the same time I wasn't shocked at all because it makes sense. I don't know if this box belonged to Manon, or Rose, or was passed down from Manon to Rose, or someone completely different, but it made sense.

All the shit that I've been seeing, it's connected to this box and what's in it most likely.

What I don't understand is why I suddenly became involved. Why not Harry? He's been here forever. Why wasn't anyone coming to his dreams and telling him to open or not open the box?

All I know is, I'm never touching that damn thing again.

Lowkey, my ass would've started picking shit up and examining it.

I'm actually really interested in learning about voodoo / hoodoo and I recently ordered a book. I'm gonna look for more at like half priced books or something but yeah I'm intrigued.