Flaws and All

(Chpt.11-15) Another Chance💘

"Would you say yes though, I know how brutal you are...."

"It depends" she laughed.

"Yeah whatever, miss it depends. If I brought you a big diamond ring and asked you to be my wife and you said--"

"Yes..."

"You ain't let me finish.."

"No, I'm telling you...that I would've said yes. You know how much I love you...so why wouldn't I go for you. But I hope you'd go for me...and only me"

:: Present Day, February 5 ::

I awoken from my day dream with pure tears in my eyes. I just felt like I was never going to see them again if I'm in here. I was depressed inside, and I never been depressed in my life. Not even after my pops was killed, I was just a boy who just didn't understand. But now I'm a grown man and I understand everything in my situation and know that it can least likely be fixed.

My chest hurts from my broken ribs and I was in pain just to breathe on my own. As soon as I heard Ale come in from dinner, I wiped my eyes and pulled my cover over my head. You couldn't cry in jail or you'll just make even more trouble for yourself.

If you cried, you were a bitch. If you were a bitch, you were weak. If you were weak, anyone could walk all over you. And after just being walked on myself.....I'd rather save myself from an additional beat down. I was suffering too much in here and I was breaking down.

I needed to let my feelings out...

I wiped my face a second time and got up from my bed. I put back on my boots and left the cell to go down the main hall. I followed it all the way down until I saw her office appear before me. I knocked first and heard her say "Come in", granting me access to proceed through the door.

"Mr. Allen?" She looked up surprised.

"Is this a safe place to cry?" I asked her...the only question that mattered.

"Of course it is...." she said, putting down a folder she was skimming through.

I closed the door behind me and took a seat on chair, bending over to cry in my arms on top of her desk. I cried badly, jerking my body up each time I gasped from the tears. My hands quickly reached up to pull at my hair, inflicting pain because I was in pain.

"I just wanna tell her I'm sorry again......*cries* I'm so sorry" I cried.

"What's bothering you? You can trust me okay, this will stay between us"

I slowly got myself together and lifted my head up from my arms, showing her my cheeks watered down with tears and my eyes glowing reddish pink. I sat back in the seat and breathed out.

"I lost my best friend back in July or June, then I couldn't see my mama anymore because she's in rehab and they won't let her have visitation. Then I lost my job...., I was already broke to begin with so after I lost that I was back to square one. I had a daughter to support on top of that, and a girlfriend who wasn't really...the best for me at that time. I was stressed the fuck out and I needed some relief. If I didn't,........I think I would be dead somewhere, leaving my daughter and the people I care about because of it. So I tried to not go with that....then I started feeling desperate. This guy said he'll pay me if I try Heroin. It was free money and a high....so I did it. Ended up doing it every time I felt like shit.., only for it to turn me into someone I wasn't. I don't remember the incident so well, but I went to my baby mama's house and we argued. I grabbed my daughter from her crib to hold her and I ended up choking her mother against the wall. She cried for me to stop but......I just didn't. When I saw her turning blue, I released her thankfully, but then I punched her down to the ground. Not even realizing that I was holding my daughter upside down herself and was about to drop her on the hardwood floor....face first. ....If I would've done that, I would've really tried to end myself. But the thing is.......all that shit that happen that day, wasn't the real me. It was the drugs mixed with the stress that caused great anger. I would never hit a female,....never. I would nevet hurt my daughter either, wouldn't even think about that shit. *cries* But I couldn't stop myself from doing it that day. That guy wasn't me....but now I gotta take the fall for it. Its my fault I know but....damn. People make mistakes and I made a stupid one and yes I deserve to be punish. But now I feel like I lost everything,....I lost my fucking self. I never thought I'd struggle with depression or even try to commit suicide. But I just want my life back....., I want my family back. I don't wanna lose another family again. My baby mom and that little girl is my life,....the life I always wanted and I took it for granted and pushed it to the side. Me and my baby mom said goodbye for good...and I've been depressed ever since. God knows I love that girl to death, I never wanted to lose her. But now she's scared of me and....I guess she's done with me. So what do I do now..., I don't want nobody else. And if I got out today or tomorrow...I'd try my hardest to get my girl back. I'd do anything for her and our kids. Anything. Take a bullet and die a slow painful death for all of them. So I guess I just want another chance,....just one last chance to make it right. And I know I could if given that opportunity"