Book Of Phan One Shots

split worlds

It's weird,
to think one day we'll all die.
That all of our pain will vanish along with our joy. That the love we feel will only be remembered by blood or mouth to ear.

But I hold onto him and he to me and I don't care.

Because frankly, he's all that matters.

I don't care that the sun will someday cast its last rays over the old and tired earth. Right now I will celebrate our feet that sink into the ground as our hands intertwine. Light casting down into his young wise eyes.

They're so blue, I could write sonnets, poems, monologues, soliloquies about those damn eyes. Inside them lay a life I had only ever dreamed of. That kind of feeling that bends reality, like you're in a new world. That word is full of rattling chuckles and artificial black hair and pale fingers that trace my skin. They stand on the tipping point of reality, when I look too long I forget where I am.

His eyes are immortal, that world will never be swept away with burning gas. No, it will stay alive and well under the stillness of eyelids. Just because his eyelashes will cease to tickle his brow bone does not mean the color isn't there. The world he has made of himself will still be alive and well, tucked under sleep.

The thought comforts me as Phil fumbles through the fog of sleep. His shoulders are slumped, still weighed down from last nights rest. He twists right to stretch the muscles under his skin helping them tighten and soon relax. His shoulder blade sticks out pushing his pale skin, making it stretch and bend to the movement of his bones.

He is a better person than I am, I'm reminded of such every day. My chest fills with guilt at the thought of his pure selflessness. I'm not saying his virtues are my vices but I question why. Why would someone of such a high league pity me? Phil's kind and gentle, so soft that he would find trouble cracking even the thinnest of ice. I weigh two tons when I stand near him and I worry that my thoughts are stones that will break his fragility.

He insists with a persistent voice that I am wrong but that just hurts me more. He's so blinded by affection that he cannot see my flaws and that frightens me. A blindness that must be extremely powerful, enough to hide how I truly am. I should do more for him, I know that. Sometimes I wonder if that means leaving him. I am a poison that tickles his throat, he mistakes this slow death as love.

What did I do to deserve him? Am I wasting his precious time by contemplating that very thought? Do I just leave now, admitting my selfless can be as strong as his?

But I prove to be selfish because I stay. My lungs ache when he's gone like he breathes life into me with his kisses. I stay and I cause him pain because I cannot live without him. I am dependent on living in the utopia of his eyes and the rest in his grasp.

"Dan, what are you thinking about?" He sits across from me and his smell knocks me back into this reality. The one where his hands rest on my knees like lilypads on a lake. His voice is full of genuine curiosity.

I watch his lips purse, their peach, and pink color so familiar to me, "You, us, me." I say simply and his eyebrows furrow with confusion. He tries to make sense of my existential worries and again I feel bad for dropping heavy thoughts on his delicate mind.

"What about us?" He asks, his head cocking sideways like he's reading me. Oh, if only he knew the true words that stain my pages. I am a dark story that will slowly bleed into his fairy tale.

"I don't deserve you." He opens his mouth to speak but I don't allow it, "I know you're going to deny it but it's true. You are perfect, you make me want to be a better person. I love and hate you for it because god sometimes it's hard to function around someone as perfect as you." He smiles at that, a small laugh escaping his lips and I mimic him, "I love you."

"I love you too."

I want to look back at this memory when I'm old and remember the way my heart beats fast when he says I love you. I want to remember the way his hair fell over his right eye and how his fingers brushed it to the side. But I know the likely case is that this memory will wash away into the sea of past moments in my life.

But in my final days, I will let the sea take me away, the tides full of blue eyes and pure love and happiness. I will wade into the water, letting my memories drown me. That's how I want to go, to remember everything about him.

AN: i kno it's been a long ass time. I am so sorry. I've been so busy and I haven't had the time to write something that I am proud of. Even this lil oneshot took up so much of my free time but I had an itch to write. I'm in softball and that's every day after school until 6 or even later if there's a game. And then I have class work and a boyfriend. Ugh, I'm ready for summer so I can write consistently again.

anywho,

thanks for sticking around fam