Book Of Phan One Shots

Impossible Year (pt. 2)

An: wow ! Wattpad actually let me add a video. Here is impossible year part 2.

Phil paced his room dragging his hands over his hair.

You should have tried harder.

There's a reason he broke up with you.

It's all your fault.

Slamming a closed fist onto the wall Phil broke down, tears streaming down his already red face. Dragging his hand down he fell onto the flooring. It was easy, falling. He felt the weight of the world on his shoulders anyway. Letting the heaviness of blame carry his tired body to the soft carpet.

Pushing a damp cheek into the white floor Phil pulled his knees up to his chest. He felt the heaviness of words ache, it was as if Dans words carved out a hole in his body and filled it with cement. And of course cement doesn't love like his heart did. It's an empty pain that is constantly there. He felt like he was turning to stone.

Licking his lips all he got was salt, the residue of tears. He was growing old of that taste. Bitter sadness laced with salt.

Groaning Phil forced himself up onto his knees, his feet tucked under his thighs. Wiping away the tears Phil stopped crying. Well, the tears stopped at least. He was still heaving, each breath feeling like fire against his new stone cold lungs. Gasping for air Phil rested his head on the wall.

Why'd you leave me?

I just wanted you.

I'm sorry, this is all my fault.

Phil thought, imagining it traveling to Dan somehow. He imagined his ideas drifting through the air and reaching his friend. Can they even be called friends anymore?

Of course not, you fool.

Shaking his head Phil wished it would stop. He wished he could take back time and do something right. Be the person Dan wanted. Be the person he needed. Instead he was selfish.

Selfish. Thinking of only yourself. Think of others. Think of Dan. You selfish, selfish boy.

Phil pulled at his hair, rocking back and forth.

How long has this been?

A week?

A month?

Several months?

Time seemed like an old forgotten friend now, hazy in his memory. He didn't follow time anymore. He would stay in his room, sleeping as much as he could, through the nightmares. Taking showers only when necessary. Eating very little, most of what he ate anyway just came right back out, painfully the way it came in.

How can he feel so alone when Dan is literally three steps away from him?

Crawling into his bed Phil pushed against the mattress. Looking out his window Phil saw a sunset, or a sunrise. He didn't know. He was happy that the sun occupied his thoughts instead of him. He never did find out the answer to his question before sleep tore over his eyes blessing him with a few hours of nothingness.

It's been seven months.

Seven whole months.

They have barely talked. It's like when they do, it's because they have to, not out of pleasure anymore. They filmed videos together even though Phil felt the tension easily between them. Dan seemed to be putting on a fake persona for the camera. Funny enough he seemed to be trying to act straighter. Phil would catch him with girls every weekend. Every time he saw a flash of Dan with a new Barbie he snapped. He would excuse himself and cry in his room alone.