Book Of Phan One Shots

Goodbyes Are Worse When Planned

The apartment was dimly lit by the candles I had placed on the windowsill.  Outside the sun was setting behind a warmly lit skyline.   Dan and I sat on the floor sipping on hot chocolate.  Snow was falling gently onto the streets below us as we snuggled in close against the back of the couch so we could watch the end of Christmas commence.

The heat from Dan's body felt like it was seeping into mine.  He readjusted himself so that his head was leaning on my shoulder, "This is the best way to spend the holidays."  He whispers.

"I agree."  I nod and take a sip of my drink.  Our stereo had Dan's Christmas playlist softly playing through the apartment, "Can you just not accept the job?"  I beg.  Dan lived with me for a whole year but is moving out of the city to pursue his career in acting.  His agent had landed him a gig outside of London to Whales for a movie.  He'd have to live there for at least a year.  And he was leaving the new year. 

Dan sighed against my neck, "I wish there was a way for you to continue your studies there with me."  I pull Dan closer and with a heavy heart I wish for that too.  If only there was a way I could continue university next to him.  But it was impossible.  I couldn't uproot myself from the life I had made here.  I was so close to graduating and a few credits shy of my major. 

"It's just for a year.  And we'll visit each other as much as possible.  And your birthday is coming up so I will be back for that." Dan's voice is warm, he's trying to comfort me.

I agree aloud but silently I'm still a wreck. Every moment with him is precious to me. He is my other half and I can imagine life without him. An empty apartment accompanied by an even emptier bed. There would be no more scripts laying around the desk or dark clothes littering the laundry basket. Instead it'll just be me.

It hasn't just been me in a long while. I have almost forgotten what it's like to be alone. My chest starts to tighten so I stand up. I'm afraid I'll cry in front of him if I don't get my mind off of it.

"I can take your mug for you." My voice is flat, obviously strained. Dan can sense it and stands up, a concerning expression in his eyes. He places his drink on the side table and does the same with mine.

"Buh." He whispers, grabbing my hands. He doesn't finish the endearment, his voice chocking. He circles my palm, I watch as he does so. Admiring the ease of the motion, "we're going to be fine. I know it's sad now but it's not forever. The goodbye is only temporary."

I nod and he pulls one hand away gripping my chin slightly pushing my head up so I'm forced to look into his eyes.

"Okay?"  He runs his other hand against my side so that his hand is on my shoulder.   The music begins playing a Bon Iver song quietly.

"Yeah."  I nod.  He smiles and pushes me back slightly.  His feet in time with mine.  I place my hands on his waist and pull him close so that I can smell the hot chocolate on his breath.  The apartment is filled with the music and feet against wood.  In my ears I can feel my heart beating.  Which usually happens when I'm close to Dan.

"We can still talk everyday."  Dan reminds me, his soft sweater warm against my hands.

I burry my head in the space between his shoulders and neck, "and you'll be living your dream."

"And you'll be graduating soon.  After we're done we can move back in together and you can find a job and we'll be a nice little family."   Just the idea of being done with uni and finishing a job in my field makes me excited.  Plus Dan will be somewhat know in the industry by then. 

I kiss his neck softly and pull away, looking into his soft eyes, "I'm so blessed to have you in my life.  I can thank you enough.  All that you have done for me."  I can see the water pooling in his eyes now.  His cheeks grow pink and his grip on my shoulders tighten.

I thought I'd be the one to break first but Dan bursts out into sobs, clutching my chest, "maybe I should stay."

"No."  I hush him, drawing my fingers across his back, "this is your dream.  I'd never forgive myself if I selfishly stripped you of it." 

Dam breathes out heavily and sniffles, "okay.  Okay.  We can do this."  It sounds like he's reassuring himself rather than me.  All that talk earlier was a façade, he truly is heartbroken over this.  I knew he would be I just didn't know he'd show it.  He's a tough guy who isn't keen on letting people in, even me at times.

"Of course we can."  I brush my fingers through his thick hair looking out at the city below, covered in thin white snow.

An: it isn't Christmas but I started this on Christmas and I wanted to finish it so there ya go.  Also people are still p holiday-ish with New Years approaching.