How To Save A Life

Chapter Twenty

It was midnight and I found myself sitting on the floor of my bedroom with my back against the bed. The propane bomb I was working on sat uncompleted a few feet away from me. I needed a break from working on it for a while. This whole situation is starting to get to me. The cuts on my arm stung but I didn't care. I cleaned it up a bit and now I could see just how visible the word worthless is on my arm. I traced my finger over the letters, ignoring the fact that it hurt when I touched it. The cuts were pretty deep, but not deep enough to have me sent to the emergency room. My eyes filled with tears by just looking at the word. The word took up almost my whole forearm and would easily be noticeable if I took off my flannel or hoodie. There was absolutely no other way to hide it. The word will turn into a permanent scar, just a friendly reminder of how useless I am to this world.

I pulled over my book bag that laid on the floor towards the end of my bed. I opened it and pulled out my journal and a pen. Most of the pages are full of homicidal and suicidal thoughts. Pages and pages of thoughts. I flipped to the next blank page. I uncapped my pen with my mouth and began writing:

SUICIDE NOTE

I don't even know how to start off this note but I guess I'll start with I'm sorry. Know that life didn't turn out the way I expected it. Wherever I end up hopefully it is better than this. No ones to blame for this. Only me. I was the one who talked Matt into joining me. I was the one who purchased the guns. I was the one who made all the bombs. This was all me. Mom and dad, don't blame yourselves for what happened. You guys have been great to me. I love you guys. Luke, I hope you're okay. I'm sorry. You were a great brother to me. Thanks for being the only one in the family to care. Josh and Kyle, I wasn't bluffing when I said I was going to shoot up the school. But, let's admit, it was bound to happen at some point at Kingston High School. This is the way I want to go out. I didn't choose this life but I have chosen to leave it. And, I'm sorry to the families I will be hurting. Your child was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I wish I didn't feel any remorse but I do. Kingston High School has scarred me. People told me I was weak and incapable of doing any of this. I am getting revenge on those who wronged me. I wish it didn't have to be like this but this is what I want. Again, I am so sorry to the people I'll be hurting. I want revenge but I don't want to go to jail. Killing myself is my only solution. I would hate to see your reactions to the autopsy pictures.

Again, and again, I am so sorry for the reaction I will cause. I love you guys and I'll miss you. Life has no future for me and it's best to leave it now before adulthood settles in.

-Colin Christian Cortes 3/23/16

I read what I wrote a few times. The realization of what's going to happen becoming more vivid with each day.

I closed my journal and tossed it beside me. I sat and stared at the wall, lost in thought. After a few minutes, I stood up and walked over to my desk. I had all my high school yearbooks sitting on the far corner of the desk. My teeth clenched when I thought about that school. I brought up my hand and pushed them forcibly to the ground. I started pushing more things off my desk including textbooks, homework, and even massacre plans that I would pick up later.

I stopped when I heard a knock on my door. "Colin, what are you doing in there?" I heard my mom's voice. "It's the middle of the night."

"Sorry, mom," I said while picking up my plan papers, leaving the other things on the floor. "I just got up and banged into my desk."

"Okay. Just try to go back to sleep. Okay, honey?"

I groaned when my mom called me that. "Okay. I'm sorry for waking you up."

"It's okay. If you have trouble going to sleep, just go to the kitchen and get yourself a warm drink."

"Okay, mom. Good night."

"Good night. I love you."

"Love you too." I heard her footsteps wander down the hall to her room. I observed my plans before going to my bed. I knew if I kept wandering my room that my mom would come back. I laid down on my bed and looked at the ceiling.

I fell asleep and right away I started having the dream again. Only, this time it was of me outside the school, at the trunk of my car, gearing up. I observed the students wandering outside. Students sat and ate lunch on the grass. I was wearing a trench coat to help hide the guns. I put bombs into my cargo pants and a knife and switchblade in my boots. I was armed from head to toe. I could feel the weight of it all on me with each footstep I took towards the school.

I stopped in the middle of the quad, watching students walking around, not taking notice of me. It wasn't until I took my trench coat off and position my gun that their eyes landed on me. They didn't have time to run or scream when I grinned and started shooting at them. Students started gasping for air as they laid on the grass and pathway. I watched them as I made my way into the school. 

KNOW THE SIGNS:

-Feelings of hopelessness, guilt or worthlessness (leading indicator to self-harm)

-Homicidal ideations