I woke up feeling the ray of sunshine smacking into my face with such force. I squinted my eyes, adjusting myself to the new room and surroundings.
Then I felt part of my wolf wakening up, jolting so now she was hovering over her daughter's cot. I watched my daughter sleep peacefuly, with both of her arms by her side, creating an L shape. I laughed at her mouth which was wide open. I wiped away her drool which was now trailing down the side of her mouth. I made sure not to wake her in the process. I smiled at how she had no worry, since I would take care of her and make sure no harm was ever to strike in her path.
Ever since Alina came in contact with Adam my wolf has been more shaky and warry. She just felt like she had to be around Alina. She didn't care if she was in the pack house or even in one of our most tough warriors care, she just felt so uneasy.
But having Alina around makes both me and my wolf happy. She's like the a star, every night we know she's there.
I remember all the moments i shared with her while I had been pregnant with her. Every secret I shared with the only person i could trust- my child. Ever time i felt like my body was giving up, my child had given me assurance.
I sat down on the ripped up couch, sitting alone in the cold and emptiness of my apartment. I hugged myself tightly tearing up about the loneliness that filled my soul. All i wanted was my father to cuddle me and tell me everything will be fine. But every time i opened my eyes, i never saw him, it was all a dream. My visions would create and image of my father, every time i dreamt or closed my eyes, but when i face reality, he always seems to disappear. I would crave for my fathers, fatherly love, but I never seem to get it.
Just once in my life I wanted my father. I never begged anyone or anything in my life for something this bad. But this time I beg with my soul and heart, just to give my father back. To let him hold me in my arms, while I weep. Why can't I at least find happiness?
What do I have to do? I will sacrifice my life for my father to come back. If that so means that my mother will find peace and love in her heart, and my father to watch his son and daughter grow up. If that even means my child is born without a mother, at least my child will be able to be held by her/ his loving caring grandfather, I will do so. I will go through any sadistic and painful death that is held for me. I will do anything to get the protector, peaceful, respected man - my father back; I will do so at any cost. His presence could set the whole pack straight.
I cried franticly remembering my father. Why me? What had I done? I beg for mercy. This pain is unbearable, carrying my child and going through pain.
I shield my stomach protectively, rubbing circles on the top of my belly, so at least my baby in their will be able to find peace. I may not, but my child must.
I couldn't take the pain anymore. I wanted to die; I wanted to finally leave this tortuous world. I wanted every thing to vanish. But all those thoughts of suicidal attempts seemed to escape my mind, when I seem to touch my growing belly.
I shouldn't be moping around. I have a child to raise. I am a mother. Like my father had said 'I am trooper' I laughed at my father, his characteristic, persona and his attitude. I miss him so much. But what would my child feel if i left her/him in this earth to grow up without a mother. I had to stop being selfish. This is my child I'm talking about. Rape or not, I will not commit suicide.
If I am unable to live without my father, what will my child go through?
"I love you sweetie. I promise to serve you, be by your side and be a mother until the day I die" I whispered to my growing belly.