Finding My Love

Aftermath

"I don't know."

"Was she on the job?"

As she asked that I looked to Mariana who sat next to me and she put her head down as I grabbed her hand squeezing it. I knew she thought this was her fault and I felt it was my fault as well. I should have stopped her earlier or I should have went to meet her earlier knowing she might try something like this. I just felt horrible like it just didn't need to happen as I soon felt my phone vibrate.

Callie oh my gosh. What hospital? What happened? Are you kids ok? Does your mother need anything? I can be there.-Dad

Just as I was about to respond the doctor walked in as we now all stood up anxiously waiting and I stuffed the phone back in my pocket.

"How is she?" My mother asked.

"We have her stabilized and the good news is she has no damage to any other organs. However she's going to need surgery to remove the bullets."

"Surgery?"

"Yes, she has three pressing on her spine and if we don't preform the surgery soon she could end up paralyzed."

"Paralyzed? Oh my god." I heard my mother sigh as I swallowed hard looking to my brother and sister who once again remained shocked and speechless. "How, how many times was she shot?"

"From what we see at least three times. It was definitely intentional."

"Oh my god." My Gran let out as I could hear Mariana begin to cry again.

"But she will be ok?" she soon asked her voice cracking.

"Young lady we are doing everything we can. Everything to make sure she pulls through. But the next 24 hours will be very crucial. You all may see her but we need to prep her for surgery soon."

"Ok thank you. Thank you doctor." My mothers said as her voice cracked once again as Jude now held her hand tight.

"Ok guys. Listen. Mom is hooked up to alot of machines and she has a few tubes in her nose. I know it looks scary but it will be ok. Alright?"

Nodding our heads I continued to hold Mariana's hand tightly.

"Mom are you coming too?" she asked my Gran.

"No you all go on. You need this time together." Gran said as she kissed each one of us and we all followed behind my mother as Jude's hand remained tightly in hers as he had not uttered a word in hours. As we got to the door mama opened it as we all walked in quietly hearing the machines beeping. My heart once again was no longer beating at all and once again I could feel no air in my lungs. My chest was tight and my feet felt like cement blocks. Pulling Marianas hand I could feel the resist as tears flooded her face and I turned to look at her.

"Mariana come on. Mom can't do this without you. She can't." I whispered to her as she nodded her head and we walked further into the room standing beside Stef. It was the hardest thing ever to see. Ever in my life. Harder then seeing my parents split, harder then our family breaking up, harder then my mom announcing she was divorcing my father, harder then when Aaron had pointed that gun at me, it topped everything I had ever seen. There was nothing that could compare as she laid still and we could hear her breathing through the tubes as it continued to supply her oxygen. The fact that she couldn't breath on her on, the fact that she was shot three times by someone we don't know, the fact that she could be paralyzed how was this even possible. How was any of it for just a few days ago I sat with her at diner as she treated me to a milkshake before group. How do you even make sense of this how does anyone when one of strongest people you know lays there fighting for their life. Gently I began to rub her arm affectionately as I heard my mother speak.

"Hi sweetheart. We are all here. Me, Jude, Mariana and Callie. I'm not sure if you can here me or us but we just want you to know we love you. We love you more then anything and we are here to support you no matter what. No matter what my love."

Listening to my moms words I could no longer see clearly as tears clouded my eyes and my hands found Stef's. Gently I squeezed it and for the first time she did not squeeze it back as I heard Mariana sniffle. She too placed her hand inside Stef's along with mine as I rubbed her back. Looking to Jude he laid his head on her as we could only see tears continue to roll down his face and my mom gently rubbed his back. Nothing but sniffling, and the sound of monitor's could be heard in the room as our lives were shattered one by one.

"We love you mama." I soon said glancing to Stef once again uttering a word she so deserved to be called.

FLASHBACK ENDS

As I laid on my back on the couch in Stef's apartment sleep was just out of the question. Jude still had not said one word to any of us, Mariana had not stopped crying and I just felt like I was in another world. I didn't really even understand my own feelings as my fingers just kept clicking the remote button up and down. Glancing over at my siblings and my Gran who had fallen asleep I got up heading to the bathroom. But I couldn't help but walk into Mariana's room which I knew was really Stef's. Walking to the closet I looked in and to the left I saw her uniforms hanging. Touching them softly with my hands I could now feel tears once again begin to take over my eyes as I felt the rough texture. I would give anything at this moment for her to be ok. For her to just get up and walk out the hosptial. For her not to be shot. Anything. My issues right now seemed so trivial especially the thought of loosing someone you loved so much. Losing someone that was your second mother for in my eyes I had two mothers. After almost losing mine a few weeks ago the fact that we were here again was painful. More painful then anything as I now felt something in the pocket of her pants. Not wanting to be nosy but curious at the same time I pulled it out for it seemed to be a picture. Looking to it , it was one of me, Jude and Mariana and on the back something was written. "My three heartbeats."

Tears now exploded from my eyes as did crying which I could not control. I couldn't control it one bit as I soon felt arms around me.

"It's ok honey. It's ok baby. Let it out." My Gran said as I leaned into her and she held me tight.

"Gran I'm scared. I'm really scared." I said crying uncontrollably.

"I know and it's ok to be baby. It's ok to be scared. It's natural when someone you love is hurt. It's ok baby you cry all you want."

Pulling away from her I showed her what I found in Stef's pocket as she took it from me.

"This was in her pocket." I said my voice cracking.

"Yes it's a beautiful picture of the three of you. Were you surprised to see she carried it around?"

"I guess. I was awful to her in the past."

"Honey I will tell you this. When I first met her I had my reservations but it didn't take me very long that night to see how much she loved you, Mariana and Jude. It's not always easy for someone to love someone else's children. Yes for some it is but not for all. That's just a fact of life sweetheart and people like that when we find them we are so lucky."

"Gran I should not have let Mariana go. I should have stopped her."

"Honey you can't do that to yourself. And Mariana can't do that to herself either. Neither of you can. You two blaming yourselves for your mother getting shot do not do that my love. Things happen in life no one can explain. No one at all and at times like this the worst we can do is look for blame or who to blame or blame ourselves. Sure things can always work out different they always can. But we need this energy to be positive for your mom. I mean she is your mom right?" she smiled gently lifting up my face to look into her eyes.

"Yes. I love her so . Just what if..." I said beginning to panic once again.

"No what if's honey. Only positive thoughts. Only and I know you love her honey. And she loves you too baby." Hugging her harder once again I wasn't pulling away for anything for I cried my eyes out more then I could ever realize or imagine that night.