Finding My Love

Old Habits

CALLIE POV

"She wants love from you Timothy not just me. She wants to hug you and she wants you to hold her hand and read to her."

"Listen, I don't know how to do those things. OK? This was your choice to bring her here not mine. OK? You can't expect me to just love her from one day to the next. I don't even know her."

"I'm not asking you to love her instantly. But can you at least try to at least show you care. She's been here for half a year and she asks me why you don't like her."

"Lena don't be ridiculous. I never said I don't like Callie. I just feel no connection to her. She's not from us."

"What does it matter if she's from us or not? What does it?" I heard my mother scream.

Shaking my memory out of my mind that I had forgotten about I swallowed the ADHD pill quickly as and sipped on my watered down vodka shoving it in my bag before my Gran returned from the bathroom. I knew I might need something for the conversation we were about to have which was going to be about my time with Aaron. I knew she didn't mean any harm but I still had to put my mind back to that place. Already panicking that I had so few pills left since Jude flushed a few I had to be extra careful more than usual for if he saw it again I knew he would spill.

"Sorry about that honey I needed to freshen up a bit." Gran said taking a seat at across from me.

"Sure." I smiled as she looked deep into my eyes.

"So what would you like? My treat of course."

"Oh just a burger is fine."

"Burger it is. If I ate that it would sit in my chest all night." Laughing her eyes never left my face as I directed my gaze to the menu. Now feeling her hand gently rest on mine I swallowed hard looking back at her.

"So honey talk to me. You know I am not here to judge you or anything. I never have but I want to know what's going on."

Letting out a sigh I swallowed hard once again a I bit my lip.

"Honey it's just Gran. I was no innocent child back in my day either." she laughed trying to ease my fears of spilling my guts. I just didn't want her to be disappointed in me like my mom and Stef were. Even if they never really told me I could tell. It was obvious to me, I mean why wouldn't they be and once they found out what I was doing they really would be. Not like I was this amazing loveable person to begin with for not even my father loved me even if he tried to act like he did nowadays. He was faking.

"Sweetheart divorce is no easy demon to deal with. Especially when children are involved."

"Yeah." I said lowering my eyes once again.

" I wish you had called me or felt like you could honey. But I take blame myself I should have called you myself. I just didn't know what was going on but as your Gran I should have."

"It's ok Gran. Honest."

"Well no honest it's not. As adults we should be there for you and make sure you don't go doing reckless things like drinking and smoking. I mean I did the same."

"You did?" I asked with my eyes bugged open.

"Yes. I was not always innocent honey. I did my deeds and caused a fair amount of trouble too." she winked. "But I learned from it and learned how to handle my issues in better ways. Seems that's what your mother and Stefanie are trying to help you with?"

"Yeah. They are." I said shrugging my shoulders.

"Well tell me. How do you feel about their relationship?" Looking up again I stared into her warm comforting eyes wishing I had called her months ago but being in so much a fog that I didn't want to talk to anyone.

"It's ok I guess. Mama seems happy. More than she ever was with my father."

"Yes this is true but it could not have been easy honey."

"It was hard. I just wasn't sure how to feel about it. I mean one day she's with my dad and the next she was with Stef. I was just so irritated at her well the both of them that I didn't even think much about her being with a woman. Stef kinda just showed up one day and never left. I mean my dad was angry said my mom was cheating and everything. I don't know. Maybe she was miserable."

"Yes maybe she was. Parents are not perfect sweetheart. No one is. I can't say either of your parents handled it in a perfect way because I would never want to talk down about them. Ever. But it seems well do you wish your mother had not jumped right into a relationship?"

"Yeah. I just wish she had well I don't even care about that she got divorced. I just wish she had made more time with me. I Just felt left and forced to accept her girlfriend."

"I understand sweetheart. I do. Have you told her this?"

"Not in so many words I guess. I haven't been so angry at her in the past few weeks but I guess if I think about it I start to feel it again. Does that make sense?"

"Yes honey. Just it's important to acknowledge these feelings so that you can talk about them honey," she said now getting up and sitting next to me.

"I mean Stef is well I don't hate her anymore. She ummm..." Gently I felt her stroke my hair.

"She loves you. I can see she does and I can see you love her as well."

"I guess." shrugging my shoulders still not wanting to admit my feelings." She's just so bossy, controlling, and annoying." Playfully I rolled my eyes letting out somewhat of a laugh as my grandmother smiled at me.

"Well she disciplines hard. But do you have your reservations about her? When I saw you together you seemed comfortable."

"I don't know Gran. What if she ends up being like my father who doesn't love me or pretends too." Gently I felt her lift my face up to look into hers.

"Baby, I can't sit here and tell you how your father feels about you. I do however, in my heart believe he cares for you and loves you in his own way. Yes a way that might not be the best for you but baby you are not unloveable. You just aren't. God I fell in love with you from the first time I saw those big brown eyes and ran to me calling me Grandma." she said letting out a wide smile as I did as well. "What does he tell you when he calls?"

"That he wants to talk about things. That he wants to make things better with us and apologize for how things went the last few months. "

"Well if you give him the opportunity to explain himself and see what he has to say it can give you the chance to ask him certain things as well. You can at least confront him and see what he has to say."

"I guess. I guess I can."

"And you should tell your mother how you feel. How you really feel honey. She won't break and I do believe she wants the best for you. She always has from the time she brought you home."

"I know."

"But you certainly have a crowded place." she chuckled.

"Ha I know. But to honest I really love Jude and Mariana. It, well it feels like home despite everything. Even if its crowded and everything and mom and Stef are on my butt like every second." I said rolling my eyes once again playfully.

"Ha I saw that. But are you happy there? You tell me honey."

"Yeah. I think I am Gran."

"That's what is important to me. Now how about I take you to your community service after this and we can continue our talk."

"Sounds good."

"Alright. I love you my baby. I love you so much." she said softly kissing my forehead.

"I love you too Gran." I leaned in wrapping my arms around her tightly.