Thoughtless (UNDER EDITING)

Chapter 39 (Under Editing)

Marry Dean? What the hell is he thinking? I barely have anything figured out, I don't even know who the hell I am fully yet, and he wants to talk about marriage?

If I were normal right now I wouldn't know any better but to say yes. I love him, deeply and truly; but I wouldn't marry him under the circumstances. I'm a vampire and he's a human. Until we can find a way to sort this out, and maybe not even then, the answer is going to continue to be no.

"Dean..." I start and he closes his eyes, as if he already knew what to expect.

"I know...everything is insane right now," he sighs and runs his hand through his hair. Sometimes I hate it when he does that. It always makes me feel like he's frustrated with me. Tonight has been the best night in my entire existence - I think - and then it's going to be ruined by one question that could have been avoided had Dean just kept his mouth shut.

"But I want you, Cass..." he says for almost the hundredth time tonight. I don't know what to think other than he has lost his marbles completely this time.

I want to talk about anything else but this and I can't think of anything to say. The burning in my throat is threatening to eat me alive and I turn my head to him.

"How did you get through this?" I ask.

"Get through what?"

"Being a monster?" I know the word is superficial, but I can find no other one to fit the situation. It feels like I can't think straight right now with Dean laying next to me. Hearing his blood pound through is veins is all to enticing and I can't seem to curb my appetite.

He looks thoughtful for a moment, "I tried to remember who I am. What I stand for. Once all of that is right in front of you, the thirst sort of lingers on the back burner." He pauses and then meets my gaze, "Don't change the subject."

Damn him.

"I'm just so hungry...I feel like that's all I want now," I mention, trying to avoid his proposal once again. His skin looks so tender. I lean up and swing my leg around so I'm straddling his waist. His eyes drink me in and suddenly, I believe that he forgets where our conversation even started.

He grabs my hips and kneads them gently. It's a simple gesture, but it makes his pulse thrum louder in my ears. I lick my lips and look down at him.

"Can I have another taste?" I plea. I'm hoping that no one else is awake, I don't want anyone to know that I'm so desperate for blood. It makes me look pathetic, but can they blame me? How long is this process going to take? I can't just live off of animal blood forever. Callie tried her best, but it doesn't prove to be good enough. Being this way is still fresh, it's still new and I'm proud of myself for not draining anyone yet; if that's something to even be proud about.

"Princess," he yields to me and shakes his head, allowing his eyes to fall shut. I can tell that he wants to help me, he wants me to be happy. Something in him has changed. I can't quite put my finger on what's different. Maybe this is an eye opening experience for him. He could have quite possibly lost me. Sammy on top of that would have found a way to make it all Dean's fault and then it would have haunted him for the rest of his life.

Hunting isn't easy...but neither is just living and breathing.

So neither of us surrender tonight, but we have the rest of our lives to make the important decisions.