the next step au's

six feet under (james)

the hardest part for james was to accept that he wouldn't come back. not today, not tomorrow, not next week.

for the first couple of years james has been waiting, anxiously, every day at the door step of his childhood home for the moment his father would unlock the door and be back, with some extremely logical explanation as to why he didn't come back that one night.

maybe his parents needed help, or his brother, or maybe they needed him at work for something, which required him to be gone for some time.

he stood there, at the bottom of the stairs that led to the first floor of the house he grew up in, and waited, usually around the time his father would normally come back from work.

but nothing ever happened.

james did not think about giving up at first though, he patiently waited every day for his fathers return. he had to return, he hasn't taught james everything he needed to know. he hasn't taught him how to shoot a basket ball, although james figured that out on his own already, he hasn't taught him how to shave, how to tie ties or bows, how to get into a suit properly.. there was so much james needed his father for.

for a while he waited every day, then he skipped days, forgot about the possibility of his father coming back, then he completely stopped.

of course james never forgot his father and what he did, no, he just didn't consider him returning anymore. he stopped hoping that one day his father would show up at their doorstep, or wake him up in the morning to explain what has been going on, and that he's back for good now.

he thought about his father every single day, every single night, practically all the time. whenever a difficult situation would occur in their family, james would always imagine what it would be like if their father would be there.

things would definitely be easier, mainly for his mom, who for the whole time, ever since his father left, did not show the kids how much it phased her. although james was pretty sure he heard her crying once, when she thought everyone was out of the house, and james came back, because he forgot his basketball shoes.

he never told her about it though, james was sure there was a reason she cried while thinking everyone was out of the house. and he didn't want to embarrass her in front of his sisters.

as the years passed on, and james started puberty, he started to change. not only physically but he also started viewing things differently, he started seeing the situation with his dad differently. he saw how selfish his father had been, to just leave a family he had started, because he didn't know another way to deal with the situation.

he started to hate his father. he didn't want to talk about him with anyone, he didn't want to hear a word about him; each time his mother would comment how much james started to look like his father, james would throw a fit. but inside it ended up damaging him more. he started comparing his actions to his father, whenever he would do something selfish, his self-hatred would grow.

he started hating himself too.

james didnt want to be like him, whether it was just his outer appearance or not, he hated being associated with him in any way.

he never told anyone about it though.

instead he just bottled it up inside, mainly because he didn't want his mother to have to worry about one more thing, on top of all the other stuff she had to manage to do.

his rage, his aggression, reached its peak when james turned seventeen. that's when he picked up boxing, along with basketball and dance. he picked it up mainly because he was scared that if he would keep all that rage that filled him inside, he would end up hurting someone.

he didn't really care about hurting himself, he happened to get his rage fits, when he would just end up trashing his room, punching walls, ripping his clothes up. james minded not to let anyone notice though, locking up his rooms door, throwing away the clothes he ripped up and buying new ones that looked exactly like that, covering the holes in his rooms walls with posters which he hung up.

it wasn't rare that he would bruise his knuckles during those fits, and whenever that would happen, he just told his mom that those were from basketball or boxing.

sometimes his rage would get so bad that even the smallest things would throw him off. whenever someone would disagree with his opinion, or talk back to him, james had to leave the room. he couldn't bare to be in the room with that person, fearing that he could hurt them if he would stay near them and let his anger take control of him.

he wished he wasn't like this, he hated his father for giving him all those traits of his', he hated his father for leaving the family behind only because it got a little difficult, he hated himself for letting him get that far regarding his aggression and rage. but he couldn't stop, he couldn't change. it was running through his veins to end up being like this.

on his eighteenth birthday, james got piss drunk for the first time. he was out with some of his friends from dance, they went to a club, and only wanted to get a couple of drinks beforehand at eldons house.

james ended up drinking almost a whole bottle of whiskey on his own, then ended up going on and on about his father and how much he hated him. and himself. eldon had to physically hold him back from punching into one of the walls at some point of the evening. they had to remove all the alcohol, because james hasn't had any control over himself and wanted to keep drinking even after he wasn't able to stand up straight on his own anymore.

that was the moment james fully started to hate himself. he despised the person he became and with each day that passed on he felt like he was becoming more and more like his father; which was one of his greatest fears.

of course his mother never found out what happened on his eighteenth birthday party. james made his friends swear that they would never tell her, because he knew how much it would have disappointed her, and hat was the last thing he wanted to do.

weeks later, james decided to look for his father. he begged his uncle, his fathers brother, who helped out james mom and his sisters from time to time, to give him the address his father lived at now.

james almost choked when he found out that he was living only half an hour away from where they were living. what would be holding him back to visit his family or even come and visit them? explain what's been going on..

it was only when james was standing in front of the house that he understood. he saw his father on the other side of the road, loading up a car, a little boy running after each and ever step of his'. he called him dad.

james stood there for a few minutes, before he got in his car and drove. at full speed.

that was the reason why his father didn't come back. and even though james used to compare himself to him, that was the day he stopped. because james was not a coward, unlike his father.

he sped up on the highway, going fifty miles above what was allowed, even contemplating if he should end it.

it wouldn't be the first time he thought about ending his life. just get it over with, let everyone move on with everything, without being a burden to them anymore.

then his phone rang.

riley.

his girlfriend was calling him.

it made him slow down his speed. he couldn't kill himself, not while she was in his life. not while she was the one that gave him light, pulled him out of every hole he fell in. he wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he would hurt her like that. and his mother, and his sisters. he couldn't leave them alone. he had to pull through for them.

at least now he knew he wasn't a coward.

the idea for this one shot goes fully to tavharte !! i hope y'all like it!
i've been wanting to do this for quite some time actually, and never got around to it. this is just kind of like a small headcanon i had for james for ages already