the next step au's

dreams (jiley)

-this is based off of a song, which basically no one knows most likely, but i got major feels from it so there y'all go (and i'm sorry for not updating in so long sigh)

the ceiling hasn't changed.

not in those five years in which james had been staring up at it at night.

it was better than sleep, although, not his favorite thing to do, but he didn't want to provocate one of his dreams, by falling asleep too early.

you see, whenever he would stay awake as long as he could, and only go to sleep two or three hours before his alarm went on, it was less likely for him to get a nightmare.

a sigh escaped his lips.

his mouth still tasted like beer, mixed with cigarettes. it used to make him want to throw up in the beginning, but he got used to it by now.

there was only one thing that he couldn't get used to. and he didn't even want to think about it.

just a mere second later, despite of forcing himself not to, james drifted away to sleep.

there was only so much his body could handle, and the lack of sleep overwhelmed him.

his eyes met hers, his mouth got dry, a feeling of nervousness rose in his body. 

she was so beautiful.

no, actually, she was more than just beautiful.

she was too perfect for words to even describe her, in his eyes.

his heat felt like jumping out of his chest, but it wasn't the good feeling, like it used to be. it hurt, and it seemed to be unbareable to him. 

his hand reached out, to grab hers.

although, he knew this wasn't real, he couldn't help himself.

he needed to, at least, imagine what her skin felt like. 

james was never one to give up on things, he was never one to go out without a fight, he was most certainly not good at dealing with losing something. or someone, in that case.

but he couldn't fix this, it was out of his reach to do so, or to even influence this.

"it's gonna be okay, james." he heard her voice, a smile appeared on her features, and although she seemed to be so close to him, her voice sounded like it was coming from miles away.

all of a sudden, james woke up, tears streaming down his face. 

he wasn't usually one to cry, but since the incident, he couldn't help himself, although he tried his best to stay sane. or at least seem to.

the male turned around in his bed, trying to calm his breath, as his eyes met hers again, but this time it wasn't in a dream. 

it was the picture he still had next to his bed.

it was from their trip to the grand canyon, right after james asked her to marry him. 

her smile was flawless, her bottle blonde hair tied to a ponytail, the ring on her finger seemed way too corny for her, and despite of james offering to bring it back and let her choose it herself, she always kept telling him that she loved it, because he was the one who chose it for her.

he was never more nervous, than on this day. he even practiced with west and eldon how to ask her, which words to use, when to actually ask her, and how to react if she would say no.

his friends kept telling him that he wouldn't need to worry about the latter, but he wanted to be prepared, just in case.

he was so happy that day.

just a few months later, his whole world got torn down.

minutes after he came back from work, calling out for his fiancé, james got interrupted by a phone call.

"hello?" he picked it up, not knowing the number on the screen.

"hello, is this james tordjman? riley raymonds fiancé?" the man on the other end asked.

"uh, yes, this is him speaking." james was confused.

"we are sorry to have to inform you about this on the phone, but we couldn't catch you at home or at work.. your fiancé was involved in the car crash on highway thirty-nine."

james breath got stuck in his throat.

he wasn't able to say anything.

he hoped they were just calling him to inform him about her car being wrecked, and that he needed to pick her up.

"...her car was totally wrecked. and we are sorry, again, to inform you about this delicate matter over the phone, but your fiancé didn't make it to the hospital. she died in the car wreck."

james felt like all the life was punched out of him.

the grip on his phone loosened, as he stared at the wall across from him, focusing on a random point on it, the phone hitting the ground only one moment later. 

he sunk to his knees, his vision getting blurrier each second.

"hello..? mr. tordjman..? are you alright..?" he heard the muffled voice of the man coming from his phone.

he wasn't alright. he never would be again.

he wanted to scream. to punch something. to break his arm, just to check if he was still alive, if he was still able to feel something.

his heart didn't feel like breaking, it felt like it was gone completely. 

and he hasn't felt it ever since.