the next step au's

miss you so (jiley)

// this is based on frank ocean's miss you so, so if you want to get the whole range of feels, preferably read this while listening to the song :)))))

The door slammed shut, James was left all alone, his apartment quiet as ever.

The only thing lingering in the air was the smell of her perfume, her hair, her whole self. But there was nothing physical.

He wasn't even sure if the smell was even real, or if he only imagined it.

James was standing with his back against the wall, facing the front door, where his girlfriend.. pardon, ex-girlfriend, just walked out of.

Or was it hours ago.

He had no idea, but he could have sworn that the sun was still up the moment she ended their fight and walked out of the apartment. Now it was down, and the moon was fully present.

She did not only walk out of his apartment, but also out of his life. As she basically took all her belongings, or anything that even showed a hint of hers, including pictures, books, even the movies she liked so much, which they had in their living room. There was no sign that she even existed in his life.

Except the smell.

Which was still in the air, or maybe just in his mind.

James did not care right now, which one of them it really was, he just wanted to take as much of it in as he could.

She was gone.

And he had the feeling that it was for good.

He should have seen it coming, but he guessed that he just did not want to see it. He probably just wanted to trick himself into thinking that she would be the constant thing in his life.

Anything could change, for gods sake, anything at all, he would somehow make it through, as long as he had her.

James slowly slid down onto the floor, still looking at the front door, as if it would somehow help and make her come back.

Just by staring on it.

He would at least try.

James did not have the guts to run after her. Not after what happened between them.

It was probably the fact that they rarely spent any time with each other recently, maybe the fact that he consumed way too much alcohol for her liking, or that he started to act like a real asshole, even around her. He didn't know for sure, but he wished that he could turn back time.

Just so he could stop himself from making the biggest mistake, and let her drift away from him.

Another hour passed, maybe even more than that, and James was still sitting on the floor, but right now, his head was hanging, tears rolled down his cheeks.

Now, you must know, he was never one to cry easily, not even after his dad, this was a story for another day, not even when he broke his arm a few years ago, but right now he just couldn't hold back.

She was gone.

That thought kept roaming through his head.

She took everything.

Everything that could have at least reminded him of her.

She even somehow managed to delete the pictures he had on his phone, blocked him on every account on any social media she had, she did everything to erase any sort of possibility for him to see her again.

{ Flash forward }

James walked into his apartment.

The smell of beer and cigarettes hit him, but he didn't mind. He got used to it by now.

He threw the paper bag from BK onto the couch, before he plopped down next to it, switching on the tv.

"Crap." He mumbled a few seconds after, before he got up, to get himself a beer.

As he was holding the can in his hands, he scanned through his fridge, not finding anything but beer and bourbon in it.

He sighed, before returning with two cans in his hands, and sat down on the couch again.

He wasn't going to lie, James hated his life.

It didn't get better.

Years passed.

Nine years, to be exact.

Since he last saw her.

And despite of the fact that James always told himself he would never forget, and it would always be branded into his brain; the memories of her slowly faded.

Not the hurt and the love, though, only the memories.

He would have days when he had trouble to remember the exact color of her eyes, the texture of her skin, the sound of her voice, her laugh..

How could she just take everything?

James hated himself for letting his memories fade.

He could have done so much more.

But after she left, every part of him that wanted to fight for her just got weaker and weaker, day by day.

That's how weeks, months, years passed, and James did not do anything.

He just couldn't carry on any longer. He couldn't be the one to hold it together. He was too weak to go on without her.

James sighed, before he emptied the first can, feeling a sickness in his stomach, probably from not eating anything all day, and only living off of alcohol.

He reached into the BK bag, and stuffed a handful of fries into his mouth.

His eyes were fixed on the tv, but if anyone was about to ask him what was playing on tv, he would have no clue to tell them what was on.

He ran a hand through his stubbly beard, laying his head back onto the couch, before he closed his eyes.

He couldn't go on without her any longer.

Everything was miserable, from his job to himself.

But he just did not know what to do.

He missed her so bad.

He knew he would mess up at some point, he just knew.

Why would anyone was precious and perfect as her waste time on him in the first place.

Some days James even considered himself lucky to even have any time with her. To even get to call her his', those were the selfless days.

Most days he was selfish. He wanted her back, hated everything that led up to the moment that made her leave him. He wanted to do anything humanly possible to get her to forgive him, come back to him, stay with him.

But he knew it was too late.

Even his memories slowly faded.

So hers would have been gone by now.

All that stayed was the heartbreak, the stinging feeling in his chest when he would hear someone say her name, or merely just mention something that she liked, or if he just caught a bit of a conversation on the street that would have anything to do with her at all.

The heartbreak, and the bottle in his hands, which was probably the reason why she left him.

But there was nothing he could do about it anymore.

It all faded away.