Instead of asking you questions or lecturing you, Phil put his arm around you and guided you back to the apartment, out of the cold. You slipped off your shoes, sat against the sofa crease and stared into complete nothingness as Phil boiled the kettle in the kitchen. Unlike before, you can't bring yourself to look around the room. You know that if you even dare too look at a single item of furniture, memories will come flooding back just like before but it'll be different this time as there is a bigger chance of never seeing Dan again then there was last time.
Instead, you stay still and focus on your breathing; your chest feels tense and your heart feels heavy as if you are about to have a panic attack. Still refusing to look at anything, Phil hands you a warm cup of tea and just stares down at you.
"So." Phil says, "Were you being serious about the whole pregnancy thing?"
You slowly nod.
"Did you take another test then?" He asks.
"No." You sigh, "I lied to you Phil because I was scared."
You fear that Phil will get mad at you but he doesn't. He just sits down beside you, takes the mug from your hand, places it on the table and then holds onto your hand.
"Why were you scared?"
"Because Dan's dying Phil, if you didn't already work it out. Telling him that I'm having his child might make him worry more about the operation and I can't live knowing that he didn't make it because of how stressed he was."
"That's not how it works (y/n)" Phil sighs, "You should've said something to him. You will feel worse knowing he died without knowing about his own child!"
"Don't you think I know that?!" You exclaim, "I feel so guilty Phil! By tomorrow, Dan could be dead and in 9 months time I have to look down at a baby who looks exactly like him! I can't be a mother - how do I look after a kid?"
"Well no one is an expert of babies before they've had one themselves. Besides, even if Dan isn't there, I promise to help you look after him or her. I refuse to let you do it alone." Phil tells you, "It's what Dan would want."
"I know." You smile, "Thank you Phil."
"No problem!" He responds.
Your smile slowly dropping, you look away from Phil and stare back at the blank wall, watching the heat evaporate from your mug. A memory of sitting beside Dan on this exact sofa appears in your mind from the hot drink in front of you. You remember drinking hot chocolate last year on Christmas Eve and Dan getting cream on his nose, making you both have a fit of the giggles. That memory used to make you feel all warm and tingly inside but now, your skin crawls at the thought and goosebumps begin to appear on your arms.
You quickly snap out of it as you notice ghat Phil looks concerned from the corner of your eye and you don't want to make him worry about you. It's Dan that needs worrying about.
"Are you okay?"
Too late.
"Yeah." You smile wearily, "Just cold."
"Oh, well, I'll go an get a blanket from the gaming room." He responds, getting up off of the sofa.
Your eyes wander as Phil leaves the room and your eyes become fixed on the pumpkin spice candle lit on the table. That's when you remember what Dan said. You place your cold hand against your chest and feel your heart beat. The only thing making it beat is Dan. Just as he told you, he's there even when you think he isn't.
"(Y/n)!" Phil calls, "I think there's something here you might want to see."
Puzzled, you get up off of the sofa and head towards the hallway. Avoiding the picture frames on the shelves, you begin to walk upstairs remembering that you haven't really been upstairs since you lost your virginity to Dan. Your heart begins to pound and your hands become clammy but you continue to walk up the stairs, holding onto the banister.
You reach the door, push it fully open and walk in to see Phil staring down at the desk. You take a few steps in and gaze upon something amazing.
"What is this?" Phil questions.
"The jewellery box." You grin, picking up the beautiful white box that you and Dan saw in the antique shop.
You open it up and are stunned by the music playing through it as before, it didn't play anything.
"Oh my god." You gasp, tearing up, "He fixed it for me."
"Who?"
"Dan."
You look down at the little ballerina spinning in circles to the music, just like the one you had as a little girl. Beneath it is a folded piece of paper which confuses you so you pick it up and unfold it to reveal a letter from Dan.
"I'll leave you to have some time on your own." Phil says, patting your shoulder as he leaves.
You stare down at the note and begin scanning it, taking in every word.
Dear (y/n),
I don't know when you'll read this but I hope these words are enough to cheer you up whatever the situation is. I went back to the antique shop and paid the guy to fix the jewellery box for you as I know you had your eye on it and it brought back so many memories but those were negative ones. I want you to create new, positive memories because you deserve to be happy.
I love you so much and there really isn't enough words in the English vocabulary to tell you just how much. Your smile is so stunning and your eyes make my heart go insane! You are so perfect to me and don't let anyone tell you different. Just stay strong even when things get tough.
Even when I'm not beside you, know that I'm in your heart.
Love you, forever and always,
Your Dork, Dan.
P.S I'm such a soppy git aren't I?!
You push the letter to your chest and immediately smile as the words process in your mind. You turn and face the sofa bed in which you and Dan shared a significant moment and think of his crinkly-eyed laugh, warming your heart immediately.
He can get through the surgery, he can and he needs to know that. You pull your phone out from your pocket, dial his number and place it to your ear.
You need to tell him.
A/N So Dan bought you the jewellery box and wrote you a letter, making you feel immediately better. Although you felt sad and panicky, he always seems to cheer you up even when he isn't there. So, will you tell him? Will he make it through the surgery? Find out soon and don't forget to vote and comment if you enjoyed this chapter! Thank you!
~ Katie :D
YOU ARE READING
Afire Love // Dan Howell
Fanfiction"It's really nothing" "If it's nothing Dan, why are you trying to hide it from me?" When a major event happens, turning Dan's life upside down, he must accept the help of Phil and yourself despite having his defenses up in order to protect your pot...
