Afire Love // Dan Howell

Chapter 18

A/N So as you know the book is called "Afire Love" which I took from Ed Sheeran's song. This is quite an emotional chapter also and a lot of you saw this coming so the link to the song is above and I hope you enjoy reading this as always.

"Dan!" You scream, trying to push against the door.

The door won't budge and you have heard no reply from Dan who is still on the other side of it. Panicking now, you begin hammering the door with your clenched fists. You can still hear the sound of running water which is what scares you the most.

"Dan please answer me!" You sob, now kicking the door as hard as you can. 

Phil runs up the stairs behind you and takes you by the shoulders.

"Move out the way." He tells you.

You do so and watch as Phil begins using all of his body strength to break open the door. As he takes another hit at the door, you notice one of the hinges has broken.

"Keep going Phil!" You cry.

With one final blow, Phil collides into the door, knocking the second hinge out of the place. You watch as the door begins to tip inwards and Phil grabs hold of it. Now sweating, he takes it back down the stairs. Once he has leaned it against the white wall of the hallway, he climbs back up.

You take a deep breath and turn around to see Dan breathing heavily and sitting in a large puddle of water in the corner of the bathroom. Wearing nothing but a towel, you see that all colour has gone from his face and his veins are bulging out of his hands as he holds tightly onto his hair. 

You and Phil immediately run to him and kneel down beside him.

"Dan, can you hear me?" Phil calls out to him. 

Dan nods slowly, his hands still gripping his scalp and his eyes still fixed on the wet tiles in front of him. Phil stands back up and turns the shower off. 

"I'm going to get a mop, some tablets and some clothes." Phil tells you, "Are you okay in here with him on your own?"

"Yeah." You respond, still looking at the crumbling Dan in front of you. 

You hear Phil's heavy footsteps leave the bathroom and you continue staring at Dan. He is looking furious and terrified at the same time and you don't know what could possibly have triggered this melt down. 

"Dan, Stop." You demand, "Stop being angry with yourself!"

Not responding to you, Dan continues gripping onto his head, his eyes bloodshot and his lips quivering. You notice that his breathing is becoming more of choke.

"Dan!" You cry, "Look up at me -  please!"

You wait and eventually, his eyes meet with yours. Your eyes are like windows to your emotions and looking into Dan's, you can see so much hurt. 

"Let go." You whisper.

You watch as his trembling hands fall from his head. You notice clumps of hair in his palms and your stomach sinks. 

"I-it's falling out." Dan stutters, "All of it."

Times like these make it hard to tell someone to keep fighting. What do you do? You want to hug him but you feel too numb at the sight of his luscious brown locks in his hands. 

"It's the chemo." He says, "They said it would happen but I didn't believe them. None of this has felt real to me but looking down to see clumps of it in the shower made it real to me. This is actually happening and there is nothing I can do about it."

You want to cheer him up and bring his dimpled smile back onto his face but now you don't think you can. He's broken and he's right: there is nothing you can do about it. You have tried fighting back the tears for him but this time, you lose it. A stream of tears run down your face as you wrap your arms around him. This is real and now that you've recognized that, you fear that you'll lose your best friend and your soulmate. 

"I'm sorry." You sob, laying against his bare chest.

"I thought we said those words were banned?" Dan comments.

"Not anymore." You say, "I'm genuinely sorry. I feel like so selfish for trying to ignore that you have this evil illness and focus on our relationship."

"Well don't." Dan whispers, "I love you so much and if I do die, I want my last moments to be spent with you."

"I love you too but you need to prioritize this over us." You tell him, wiping away your tears.

"That's never gonna happen." Dan responds, "So long as I'm living, you are my everything and that's just the way it is. You don't need to be sorry - just be by my side and I'll be okay." 

"I got you your clothes Dan." Phil says, leaning against the door frame.

You both look up at Phil and you get up off of the floor. 

"Thank you Phil." Dan smiles.

"I'll leave you to it." You quickly say, pacing out of the bathroom. 

You head towards your bedroom and run in, closing the door behind you. You fall down to your knees and begin sobbing into your hands. It hurts so much seeing him like that and hearing him talk about dying. Part of you wishes it was you in that position and not him. It's not fair. He doesn't deserve any of this but is suffering anyway. You grasp a hold of your pillow and throw it across the room and then punch the floor with your tight fist. You have so much pain building up inside you and letting it out is something that you have been needing to do. 

You continue to cry for a while and then you feel warm hands touch your shoulders. You turn around to see Dan and immediately turn around to hug him, your tears being soaked up by the material of his shirt.

"It's okay not to be okay and that's what I've learnt from this." Dan whispers against your ear, "Just let it all out. You are always there for me in my dark moments so don't think that you are going to be alone in yours."

"Please don't leave me Daniel." You sob, holding onto him as tight as you can.

"I won't." He breathes, "It's just you and me right now."

"But I don't want it to be just now. I don't want you to go at all." You tell him.

"I wish I could tell you that I won't but when it's my time to go, it's my time to go." He sighs.

"I can't face losing you. Not yet."

"Then let's enjoy it whilst we can." Dan whispers, his lips pressing gently against your neck.

A/N Sorry I didn't update sooner - I've been so busy but hey, I got great exam results! *mini celebration* 

So Dan is losing his hair and you have finally broken down. You are filled with hurt and anger and you don't want to lose Dan. Things are becoming very emotional and intense/ Will you lose him? What is ahead for YOU? Is something about to happen? Please don't forget to vote and feel free to comment your thoughts. Thank you!

~ Katie :*