Afire Love // Dan Howell

Chapter 30

Dan rests his forehead against yours and you know that he's trying to be all romantic and intimate but you just aren't in the right state of mind for that. You avoid eye contact and twiddle your thumbs, which quickly gets his attention.

"Hey." He whispers, "What's wrong?"

You look up into his eyes for a brief moment and then look down to floor again.

"(y/n)." He says, his voice now laced with worry, "Something's bothering you. What is it?"

He's onto you and knowing Dan well, he won't let go of this until you tell him exactly what is bothering you.

"Nothing." You lie.

You just can't stop yourself. Looking into his eyes is like blades cutting you open and his words sound sincere but one wrong response and they'll become words of anger. How are you supposed to tell the person you love that you are pregnant with their child whilst they are dying?

"(y/n)." Dan repeats, "What is it?"

This time you can't even respond. The words on your mind are making you feel physically sick and it feels as if the walls are slowly closing in on you. You can't face him. You can't tell him. You know you have to but you just can't.

"Hey guys!" Phil calls as he walks back over to you both.

You quickly look up and stare at the bag in his hand. Dan releases your waist and sits back with a smile.

"Your drink and crisps Mr Howell!" Phil says jokingly, handing Dan a bottle of Ribena and a packet of Doritos.

"Thanks Phil." Dan laughs, taking them from him.

Phil begins to talk about a nurse stopping him in the corridor because his flies were undone on his jeans which Dan seems to be enjoying but you just can't tune in. Your head is thudding and you are beginning to feel dizzy.

"I'll be right back." You quickly say, interrupting Phil's anecdote.

Just as you go to get up, you feel Dan grasp hold of your wrist, preventing you from going any further.

"Where are you going?" Dan questions.

You don't even know yourself. You just need get out of here. You look to Phil for help, hoping that he will understand but then you remember that you lied to Phil and he doesn't know that you are pregnant. This is all going so wrong. You turn to Dan and see the hurt in his eyes which makes your heart beat faster and your stomach tie itself into knots.

"I can't do this."

You pull away from Dan's hold, get off of the bed and begin to head towards the same yellow door you came through. You feel your breathing speed up and your throat become tighter and the next thing you know you're in a dark, silent corridor alone.

A few moments go by and your breathing begins to regulate, allowing you to lean against the wall and understand exactly what is going on. Just as you begin to calm down, you hear footsteps behind you and then a voice.

"(y/n)"

It's Dan. You turn around, still keeping your balance by holding onto the wall and look at him. He just shakes his head and moves closer to you, taking your hand into his.

"Tell me." He says softly.

"Tell you what?"

"What's upsetting you." He whispers, wrapping his arms around your waist, "I need to know that you're okay."

"I can't." You choke out.

"You can't what? Tell me? I thought you could trust me." Dan says, sounding hurt.

"I can." You respond.

"Then tell me exactly what's bothering you."

The only word crossing your mind right now is "pregnant" and its getting to the point where you realise that you don't want this. You don't want any of this.

"I just hate this." You tell him.

Dan just sighs and pulls away from you.

"If being with me is what's upsetting you then maybe we should go back to the way things were." Dan suggests with an annoyed tone.

"Is that what you want?" You question, now in shock.

What does he mean by "the way things were"? Is he implying that you should just be friends? If he is, that's definately not what you want and it's painful to even hear him say such a thing.

"Of course not!" Dan answers firmly, "But I'm dying (y/n) and if I don't make it, I don't want to be a burden to you."

"You're not and you won't be Dan!" You exclaim, "I love you and want to be there to support you."

"But it's clearly effecting you and that's not what I want. I want you to be happy and you obviously aren't with me."

"But I am." You try telling him, tears welling up in your eyes.

"I don't think you know how you feel right now (y/n)." Dan sighs.

He's right - you don't! The only problem is that he thinks it's because of him and it's not.

"I need to go."

You pull yourself away from him and head back towards waiting room. The nurses all turn to look at you as there are tears streaming down your face as you rush through crowds of people, your eyes fixed on the exit. You manage to escape without being stopped and then you walk towards the bus stop. With anger, stress and fear built up heavily inside you, you wait for a bus to take you home. Your mind keeps going over what just happened and you can't work out if you and Dan are actually still together.

Why is this happening?

A/N So it's finally all getting too much for you and because you can't bring yourself to tell Dan that you are pregnant, he thinks that he is the problem. Did you just break up or was it just an argument? Either way, Dan's surgery day is approaching and you could lose him forever. Will you be on good terms before the operation or is it too little too late? Find out soon and don't forget to vote if you enjoyed this chapter! Thanks!

~ Katie :))