Afire Love // Dan Howell

Chapter 32

A/N TRIGGER WARNING. There will be triggering themes spoken about in this chapter and it is advisable not to read this chapter if you are easily triggered. Other than that, enjoy this chapter as always and the song "Say Something" by A Great Big World goes well with this chapter so feel free to listen as you read! (You may find that the song has to be played twice considering the length of the chapter)

After minimal sleep, you crawl out of Dan's duvet covers at 5am and pull your black jeans and black, tight-fitted t-shirt out from your bag beside you. You slide them on and then open Dan's wardrobe, pulling out his monochrome flannel, tying it around your waist. Fully dressed, you tip-toe towards Dan's desk, taking into account the paper-thin wall between Dan and Phil's bedrooms.

You sit down and begin to apply the make-up that is currently spread out across the desk. Covering all the imperfections with foundation, concealer and highlighter and decorating your eyes with thin wings of eyeliner, you look at yourself seriously in the mirror, as if telling yourself to stay strong and stop being so emotional. You need to keep Dan happy as this could be his last full day alive. Your heart sinks at the thought of that but you bite down hard on your red-tinted, quivering lips to fight back the tears.

You stand up from the chair and walk back towards Dan's bed. Slowly, you drag open the drawer from his bedside table and stare at the two positive pregnancy tests. Your wrists feeling stiff, you reach in, pull them out and put them in your back pocket. You quietly close the drawer shut, clear your mind, look at the photo on the table of you and Dan smiling and with a brave face, you continue to get ready.

~ Time Skip ~

"Miss (y/l/n), you are here very early. You have another hour until visiting hours." The nurse tells you as you stand alone in the still, empty waiting room.

You look emotionlessly at her and nod. She responds by shaking her head with empathy growing in her eyes.

"I understand that this is going to be a difficult day for you. I'm not supposed to do this but I'll take Dan into another room so you can be alone with him for a little while." She smiles, "Just wait here."

The nurse darts off down the hallway and you sit down on one of chairs, thinking about what to say. You place your cold hands against your stomach and force yourself to look down. You're not really that far gone yet and if Dan was to go, it's going to be a painful 9 months. Not to mention, your child will have to grow up knowing that their own Father never knew them. That thought shocks you as you grew up not knowing your real Father either and it was so hard for your Mum. She suffered from depression for years and then found another man. Unfortunately for you, behind closed doors, you were abused by a man who was supposed to be a replacement for the Father you never had. You can't put your own child through that. You need to tell Dan.

"You can see him now." The nurse says from around the corner.

You exhale and stand up, following the nurse down the hallway to a vacant room. She pushes the old, yellow door open and you walk in to see Dan sitting up, looking fragile and weak. That doesn't stop a small smile creeping onto his face and you run over to him. You wrap your arms around his torso and bring him close to you.

"Take all the time you need." The nurse tells you softly from the other side of the room.

You hear the door close, leaving just you and Dan in the room.

"I'm sorry." You choke out.

"Those words are banned." Dan whispers with a smirk pressing against your neck, "How come you're here so early?"