Afire Love // Dan Howell

Chapter 12

Refusing to pick the phone up off of the floor, you sit dead still, chewing on your bottom lip. One word circulates your mind and it's physically hurting you so much that it hasn't even processed properly yet. How Dan has kept this to himself for so long you don't know. You impatiently jiggle your legs and then hear footsteps behind you. Your eyes fixed on the fading horizon ahead of you, Dan sits back beside you and takes a large gulp of water.

"That's better" He sighs, putting the bottle between you both.

"Better?" You scoff, "You say that as if it's gone."

Dan sniffs and then shuffles forward, tilting his head.

"What?" He says.

"You heard."

Dan's face falls as he moves closer to you.

"What's going on?" He questions.

"You tell me." You croak.

"Tell you what?" He asks with a concerned facial expression.

"You left you phone behind." You blurt out, "I answered. I heard. I wish I didn't."

Dan bends down and picks up his phone. He begins scrolling and then throws his head in his hands.

"So tell me." You say, still staring straight ahead, "What is going on?"

"Exactly what you heard." Dan says, his words muffled.

Taking a deep breath you build up the courage and turn to face him.

"I don't believe that what I heard was right. I don't want to hear it down a phone, I don't want to hear it from a doctor, I don't want to see it written down on a bit of paper. I want to hear it coming from your mouth." You explain, "Only then will I believe it."

Dan exhales and turns his face, revealing a single tear falling down his cheek.

"I can't bring myself to say it out loud." He chokes out.

"Dan." You whisper, taking hold of his hand and squeezing it gently, "I'm here for you, just like I always have been. All I want is confirmation. I will never leave you and I will always support you."

Dan continues to sniff and for a split second, you feel the exact pain he is feeling.

"God damn it Dan, I love you!" You blurt out, "I always have done and maybe this isn't the right time to tell you that but you need to trust me. I've been by your side this long, I am not leaving you now!"

Dan looks up at you and squeezes your hand back.

"You want the truth?" He asks.

Taking a moment to think about it, you finally nod.

"I've been battling this...thing for a few months now. I don't know what the outcome will be but I'm so bloody scared (y/n)." He tells you.

"I know you are and I am too." You reply, fighting back the tears, "But you need to say it out loud."

You watch as Dan swallows and looks you deeply in the eyes. The pain is eating him up inside and he needs to get it off his chest. This is the moment you have been waiting for and your heart feels as if it slowly shredding. This next sentence is going to change everything.

"I have cancer."

And just like that, your whole world comes crashing down. Dan falls into your arms, tears pouring down his miserable, pale face.

"I'm sorry." He cries.

"Sorry? Dan, I don't ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again. This is not your fault and it never will be." You tell him, "You can fight this and I will support you, even if it kills me!"

"But what if it kills me first?" He sobs.

You don't know how to respond. You didn't even consider the consequences.

"What type of cancer is it Dan?" You ask.

"It's a brain tumor." He stutters, "They don't know how bad it is yet and my next appointment will determine that. I keep going to chemo therapy and honestly, I hate it. The doctor's clearly see I'm hopeless and I just don't know what to do anymore."

"Fight it." You say, holding him close, "Don't surrender to it! You have so much strength that you don't even know about Dan. Thank you for telling me. I'll admit, I'm devastated and hoping this is just some sick, twisted nightmare but if this is reality, we need to beat it."

"How do you know? What if we can't beat it?" He questions, laying his head on your shoulder.

"We will." You breathe.

You return to your original position but this time there is no horizon to be seen - just darkness. Dan in your arms should make you feel happy, safe and content but instead you feel insecure as if you, yourself, don't even believe the words you are feeding him. You knew he wasn't okay. You just knew it. You thought getting him to tell you was a good idea and would put things into place but your confusion is still there. Why do bad things happen to such good people?

What hurts more is the memories you reflected on today. Watching Dan flop at cartwheels at just the age of 13, you didn't even consider your future ahead. Little did you know that Dan falling from a branch and into lake wouldn't be the lowest he would fall. Like a gust of wind, memories flood into your mind again and you look down to see a slightly older version of the Dan you knew, laying on you. He's a mess. Your mess.

This can't be the end. Can it?

A/N So you now know. Dan has cancer. You are staying strong for him but deep down, you are terrified. Will he get better or will it get worse? What will happen at the appointment and what is the future of your relationship with Dan? Let me know your ideas in the comments and don't forget to to vote. Thanks lovelies!

~Katie