Solangelo fluff :)

Self-discovery?

Hey, guys! This one is based on things that are going on in my life atm so prepare yourselves. 

Nico's POV

I hate this. I hate my life. It seemed so easy back when I was younger. Back when I knew how to be myself. As soon as I got older, everything started going downhill. See, I was born a girl. I've always been a girl. Hell, I embrace the fact that I'm a girl! I think. I don't know! Everything is confusing! I thought things were getting better for me. I wasn't having bad thoughts about myself, I figured out my sexuality, I even have a boyfriend! Things seem great! The only problem, I don't know my gender. 

I don't really know when this started. Perhaps it was when I had time to think to myself. Maybe it's because I never liked the 'traditionally feminine' stuff. Or maybe it's because my mum took me to the mall one day and we were walking by the women's section and I completely stiffened. We may never know. 

I haven't told anybody yet because I want to figure this out on my own. Kind of. I want advice but I don't know anybody who can help me. Anybody who has been through what I'm going through. Not even my boyfriend, Will, knows! I've kept it secret for months. 

And it's been slowly killing me.

The bad thoughts are returning. They shouldn't be, but they are. 

I hurt so much. I just want someone to come into my life, put their arms around me and tell me "everything's not alright, but if you work really hard, it can be pretty damn close."
Life, however, is not like that. It's not a cute fanfiction where everything is alright. Where there might be some problems but the power of love can overcome them. Where you'll find your soul mate yada yada yada.

I still have no idea who I am and who I'm supposed to be. It's frustrating thinking that you knew who you were and are now questioning. Life isn't fair. I didn't ask for this. I asked for a simple life where I have somebody who loves me and cares about me and one where I know who I am.

I should stop talking about the future. It stresses me. I don't really know why, but it just does. I live in the present and I just take the future as it comes. I don't hope to hard, I don't wish or pray, I just let it come as it is.

My parents have figured out what I'm going through. They don't think it's a phase. They think it's their thirteen year old daughter going through some things, which is nice. I knew they would be supportive. Ever since I could remember, they always told me:

"No matter who you grow up to be, we'll always love you and support you. Even if you have a girlfriend rather then a boyfriend."

This'll sound weird, but I didn't bring what I've been going through up with them for that reason. Stupid, I know, but something about people hugging me and telling me they love me no matter what just weirds me out. I know a lot of kids would love that, but I don't. It makes me feel uncomfortable and awkward. Like, how am I supposed to respond?

"Thanks, you too?"

I don't think so.  

They found out because they brought it up. They said if they could help in any way, I can talk to them.
I don't know how to properly talk to people. I express myself better through stories. You can say what's on your mind through another character and you feel like you can relate to someone and when they figure out who they are, you figure out who you are.

I love everybody I know with all my heart. Really, I do. But it's not easy to talk to them about this. I want to tell people, but I can't. Not because I don't want to, but because I can't. I don't know how.

I have a good life through everybody else's eyes. I have a boyfriend, I have great friends, I have a family, but deep down inside, I feel like I'm breaking. Just like a few months ago. When nothing mattered. I didn't matter. I had in insane crush on a guy I knew I would never get, my sisters were out of the house, I had a traumatic past, and at the time, I didn't know my sexuality preference.

Then, the guy I had a huge crush on asked me to be his girlfriend, my sisters were back in the picture, I let go of the past, and I now know that I'm pansexual.

I guess... I do have a good life. It's confusing and aggravating, but I'm sure it'll get better. Within time, of course.

But that doesn't solve my problem.
I don't know how much more of this I can take.
I don't know who I am. Am I Nikki? Am I Nico? Perhaps I'm both. I can't decide and it's making me angry to the point where I snap at my friends and family and I want to run away.

Sometimes, I want to leave. But I could never to that to myself or my family. I just can't.

Heyyyyy! Okay, this one is pretty important to me. I just... wrote. I forgot I was writing fanfiction and just wrote what's been going on with me.

Stay awesome fabulous t-rexs!