The Heroin Diaries.

I Said I Didn't Mean It, Baby.

It was like looking at a ghost. It couldn't be. He was dead. It felt like all of the oxygen had been sucked out of the world at one time with no warning at all. I was completely in shock, my brain was reeling and my emotions erupted. I busted into fits of laughter and crying. I was only trying to wrap my head around the situation. 

"Don't tell Niall or Zayn that you seen me today." He pleaded. I looked at him confused. "I haven't talked to Zayn in years and why would Niall care that I seen you today?" he shook his head side to side as if he was saying never mind. Now I was intrigued. "You still use I see. It finally caused you to lose everything. Where are those so called friends now? You fucking disappeared Lou. You just fucking vanished into the night, without a goddamn trace like you were fucking Batman. You could have called me. You could have wrote me a letter. You could have shot me a text. I know one of your junkie friends has a phone. You left me all alone to raise Cam..." I stopped myself short. I was about to spill a pot of beans that was better left sealed. He raised his eyebrow. "Raise? You have a kid now? With who?" "My personal life, stopped being your concern four years ago. So please, spare me with the pity. We all know that Louis Tomlinson doesn't care about anyone but himself but I can tell by looking at you, that you clearly don't even care about him anymore, maybe you never did. But that is not of my concern. I have a life and family to cater and care for. You are just the empty shell of someone that I used to know." His head dropped low. "They almost beat me to death. Niall and Zayn jumped me. I almost died. Had I known then, that I was going to lose you, I would have. You promised to never give up on me. You promised that you would stay and help me." I sighed. He was right. I did promise to help him, and that is what I tried to do. I spent day after day looking for him. Walking up and down the street showing his picture to every face that passed asking if they has seen him anywhere. But society doesn't care about people that lay and rot in alleyways high on meth or heroin. Everyone just pretends they don't exist. 

It was then that I remembered his promise to me. The only thing I ever made him swear. "You lied to me. You swore to me that you would get clean, and stay that way. But you couldn't, could you? You pulled out that trusty needle the first chance you got. Fuck me and my feelings right? You are just a junkie Louis. A strung out, homeless, junkie. You know I pity you. I really do. You will never know what it is like to look over your shoulder and see the woman you love walking down the aisle to give herself to you. You will never know how it feels to look into the eyes.."

 I got choked up, and took a momentary pause. "Of your child for the first time. You will never get to experience a raw love like that. Not with anyone because you will never fucking love yourself. Look at you! You are sitting in a fucking alley. AN ALLEY. YOU COULD HAVE HAD A HOME LOUIS. YOU COULD HAVE HAD A HOME WITH ME AND CAMILLE, BUT YOU FUCKED IT UP. YOU FUCKED IT UP SO GODDAMN BAD." By this time my emotions took over and I lost my sense of reason. 

"WE COULD HAVE BEEN A FAMILY. BUT THE ONLY FAMILY YOU COULD EVER THINK ABOUT IS YOUR BAND OF HEROIN MISCREANTS. SHE WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU UNCONDITIONALLY LOUIS WILLIAM TOMLINSON. I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU UNCONDITIONALLY. I DID LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY. I WILL SEE TO IT THAT SHE NEVER FINDS OUT THAT HER FATHER IS A PIECE OF SHIT, HOMELESS, JUNKIE. LIAM IS GOOD TO HER, AND TO ME. HE LOVES US. HE IS A REAL MAN, DO YOU HEAR ME? A REAL MAN THAT KNOWS HOW TO LOVE, AND KNOWS HOW TO CARE FOR SOMEONE OTHER THAN HIMSELF. THAT IS WHY I AM NOT EMBARRASSED TO BE CARRYING HIS CHILD. BUT WITH CAMILLE, I WAS SO DISGUSTED TO BE CARRYING SOMETHING THAT CAME FROM YOU. BUT THEN I REALIZED THAT SHE IS ALL ME. YOU WERE JUST A MERE LITTLE DONOR FOR FUTURE LITTLE PERFECT FAMILY."

 I was gasping for air, as the tears fell to the ground. I knew I shouldn't have told him that. I knew it. I fucking knew it, but I couldn't stop it. Emotions and hormones were running too high. I looked at him and he just grinned at me. Every single thing I just said to him went in one ear and out the other. I left him sitting there alone, with his shit-eating-ass grin.