The Heroin Diaries.

Who Says.

  Karen has been the greatest help this past two weeks! Liam and I finally got all of our Christmas shopping done, and even added a new name to the present list. We received the best news, Niall would be staying for Camille's first Christmas but sadly he would be leaving shortly after to head back to Ireland with dad. I didn't really care much for him, partially because he never took the time to find me, or get to know me, but because he didn't stay with me when mom died, and I needed him the most. He ran off to his new family. But I wasn't going to stress about that today. Today, was my birthday, and I plan on having a beautiful day with the people I love the most.  

I am also glad she is here to help with Camille. I have not been sleeping good lately. I keep dreaming of him. He won't let me rest. He is always in my head, he never goes away. The words I love you kept playing in my head. Today is December twenty-third, my birthday. The exact same day in my reoccurring dream. Part of me is praying that this is a sign that I will see him again, but chances are he has already killed himself. 

Liam, Niall, and Karen decided to take me out to a fancy restaurant tonight for my birthday. I was getting Camille dressed, and as I put her clothes on I studied her face. She looked so much like him. She resembles him more and more everyday. It rips my heart out every time I see her. When I see Liam with her, it kills me. I force a smile, because I wanted it to be him. I wanted all of this with him. But he is gone. gone. gone. 

After we got our table and got situated, I ran to the ladies room. I stared at myself in the mirror, something moved out of the corner of my eye and I whipped around to look. There was nothing there. I was losing it. I was slowly losing my mind. I turned to face the mirror once more. He was standing there behind me. I seen his reflection behind me. I reached up and touched his sunken in cheeks, just to feel close to him again. I needed to feel his rough and weathered skin on mine. I needed his lips, I needed him in general. 

I apologized to Liam mentally for thinking that. He was so good to me, and Camille. He didn't deserve this. He deserved me to love him the same way he loved me. I tried to dry the tears that were steadily pouring from my now pale and emotionless green eyes. 

I walked back out, praying Liam wouldn't ask me what was wrong because I would spill everything. I didn't want to ruin my night. But I just wouldn't be able to hold it in if someone asked. 

"Styles." I turned around and Liam was on one knee. "Liam, what are you doing down there? are you okay? did you drop something?" I spoke quickly trying to ignore the obvious. I knew why he was down there.  "Styles. Ever since I met you, my life has been one straight from the fairytale books. I love you and Camille so much and I want to be her forever daddy. Let me be your forever lover." I smile at him and the tears spill down my face. I turn around and walk out of the restaraunt. Niall quick on my heels as I walk down the crowded London street. 

"Styles, what the hell was that? You just left him standing there.. no answer.. nothing. What is it?" I shake my head and I struggle to find the words. "I can't marry Liam when I am still in love with him." He stopped in his tracks and stared at me. I stopped and returned the stare. "Styles. You have to let him go. He isn't even here anymore, yet he is still ruining everything for you. Don't let him do this anymore. Marry Liam." "I love him Ni. I can't help it. My heart is rippipng open every time I look at Camille, because she looks more and more like him with every goddamn second that passes. It makes me sick, thinking about all the time that has passed since I seen him, or heard from him. I imagine every night, that Liam is him because it is the only way I can fucking sleep anymore. It eats at my soul everyday that he has no idea that we created someone so beautiful and precious from such a shitty and ugly situation." He just grabbed me after I finished and embraced me. He held me in the middle of the street with no reguard for the cars and the people that passed. He held me and let me have my emotional break. 

"He died Styles."