Let's Talk

Felina + Sadness = ?

When sadness and I meet together, we don't... cooperate correctly, you could say.

I have trouble feeling sad, and, quite honestly, it makes me feel like I'm a bad person sometimes. I try so hard to be sympathetic, but... try as hard as I might, I don't share that feeling of sorrow with anyone. And I always end up faking being sad.

I didn't cry when my parrot died. I liked him very much, but the only tears shed... were fake ones. I felt as if I didn't even care that he had died. I cared about his death, but it felt like I didn't. I cared, except I didn't. Which one is it truly? I don't want to know.

I bet that I wouldn't cry if a family member or someone I'm close to went to the hospital, but instead I'd cry about... something dumb and less serious, I guess.

I also have a little bit of trouble being empathetic, or sharing feelings with others. When someone's excited or happy about something, I give them a small smile and try to act happy, for their sake.

I can make the right body language and facial expressions when it comes to sharing feelings with someone. And it comes naturally. I kind of hate that. That I can fake what I'm feeling. I don't like it. It's almost dumb.

This in general is dumb, to say the least. How did I even form this- this... disorder? What even is it? It's some kind of mental illness, and I suffer from it. I'm actually getting a little bit angry. It's always me! I almost always have some kind of weird thing happen to me in my family. Except this thing will last forever. But I don't want to be cured.

I'm a little bit scared, though. I read into this... problem, let's call it, and some people can't feel love. They can't emotionally feel... love! Is that why I didn't cry over my parrot? I didn't love him?

This is making me upset. What if I don't cry at my own mother's funeral? Or my dad's? Or even my brother's? My own kid's? That would be terrible.

I hope I can feel love. But it's kind of okay if I don't. I don't really mind. I actually never really wanted to settle down and get married. I don't wanted to date either. I just want to adopt a teenage girl. And hopefully, I'll learn to love her.

That paragraph sounded sarcastic, but, I assure you, it wasn't.

The question is: should I tell my parents about this or not?

It's been with me ever since I was young. I believe it started around the time my parrot died, when I was in third grade, but I could've had this before that even happened.

Anyway...

Felina + Sadness = almost no feeling of sorrow

And I don't ever want that to change. Because I am who I am, and I've learned to accept that.

Oh, and, just so you know, when I'm saying or texting or messaging someone and I'm being sincere, I actually am being sincere. Just because I don't feel a certain emotion for something doesn't mean I don't mean what I just said or wrote. I do mean what I say, I just lack the emotion for it sometimes.

Eh. People have been suggesting for people with this problem to go see a physiatrist or get counseling. There is no way in absolute h3ll am I doing that. I hate counseling. Mainly because I don't like sharing things with other people. Except I want to become a counselor one day (I have my reasons, but I don't feel like this is the right time to share them).

Anyway, get on with life and don't worry about my problems too much. :D I can handle it. But answer this one question for me, please: should I tell my parents or not?