We Should Talk. (Book One)

Online Heart Break

My phone buzzes under my spine.

I put my body up and stretch my arm to reach under my back and get my buzzing phone.

All of that while carefully trying not to wake up Horacio who's lying in bed beside me.

Jack. He sent me a message.

Jack at 15:32:

Tobes, u there?

Should I answer?

I look over at Horacio and realize it's kind of obvious that this is not the time to answer Jacks texts.

Jack at 15:33

I know ur there. U always have your phone with you.

I still don't answer.

Jack at 15:33

It's ok if u don't answer.
It really is ok.

I sigh.

Why does this have to be so complicated? My instinct still is to be nervous when I hear his name. My stomach still twirls when I see his name somewhere. My mind still goes crazy when I see his eyes.

And yet here I am, not loving him anymore.

If only I could get my heart to agree with me...

Jack at 15:35

Maybe it's even better that ur not answering. That way I can just say whatever I want to say without feeling too nervous.

...

So here it goes:

I love you.

I don't think there's an easier way to say this. Or any other way at all. That's the problem with the English language: "like" is too little and "love" is too much, but I guess it's all good since what I feel for is really so much. So, so, SO much. I don't even know if that makes any sense, but then again, neither does love. At all.

I wish I could tell you that what happened with Augustus was a huge mistake, which in some level, was, but in every other way, it wasn't. Because it made me grow, and it made me free from all those oppressed feelings inside.

I don't love Gus. I don't even like him romantically at all, never did, and what happened that night was about us two, me and you, and me trying to deal with being away from the love of my life.

But, in some way, it also became about me, just me, because it made me... Gosh, I don't even know how to explain it. Let me try it this way: You know in that X-Men movie when that angel dude was having wings growing out of his back, but it was hurting a lot and his dad wanted to cut it all off and he kind of did too but the wings just ended up coming out anyway and it was amazing and emotional and, well, totally badass? So. That's what happened to me.

Dealing with strange and unwanted feelings hurt a lot, but they came out anyway, just in a really, really, really bad time.

I hope you understand that I didn't look at anyone else while we were dating, boys or girls, and that you weren't my "beard" or anything, far from it, but I'm just glad I found that out before settling with someone. Because now I can be with some who loves all of me, and most importantly, I can love all of me.

But as much as I try to forget you or move on, I can't. It's like I still can't be myself, because that would involve being with you. YOU. TOBY. And no one else.

You are my sunshine when the skies are grey.
When it's cold outside, you are the month of May.

But you're not my girl. And that breaks my heart.

I still remember the day I saw you for the first time.

We were at school, sixth period. You didn't have your sixth period because you already had all of your credits, and I was skipping sixth period (which I just think is hilarious).

So I was walking down the hallway and there you were.

Sitting on the floor, with your back against the lockers. Reading a book. What was it again? Something about a boy getting lost in an island or something.

HATCHET! That was it! You had read it in sixth grade and it was with that book that you fell in love with literature, I remember. You've read that book like a million times.

God, I loved the way you were reading. There I was with about six more people, making all kinds of adolescent annoying noises, and you didn't take your eyes away from your book not even for a second. Not even to see who was passing by. Not even to know who to be mad at. You were just so focused and concentrated. We weren't important, nothing else was important, only the story you were reading.

I remember thinking "I want to be looked at by someone like that girl looks at that book." With passion. Like there's no time or things to be done or death.

And so my friends went to the beach, and I stayed there beside you. Hearing you go on and on about that book of yours.

Stacy was so mad I liked you. She had a crush on me since the third grade, and you, not even knowing about my existence, managed to get me head over heels.

Britney almost slapped you in the face too, she'd been trying to get me to date her for like a month, and I didn't even look at her. She was annoying.

And here I am. Like four years later, and I'm still completely, hopelessly, insanely, impossibly, in love with that girl.

I might not look like Avi or be as "cool" as him (not that I think he's cool, that's just what I hear), and I might not be as funny as Gus or as charming as Horacio.

But I like to think I have something none of them will ever have... your first love.

And hopefully, your last.

Jack.

I stand up and go to the bathroom, trying not to let my tears touch the ground.

I look at my reflection in the mirror, but my tears make my vision blurry, not to mention my thoughts.

This is too much.

This is just too much.

My phone rings. It's Avi.

"Toby?" I hear coming from the bedroom.

It's Ace.

I can't do this right now.

I can't deal with any of them.

I need time to think.

I need time to think.

I need time to think.

~

Hey Fantastic Followers!

This is by far the loveliest thing I've ever written/read.

I have literally read Jacks message over 6 times.

I totally recommend you re-read it out loud with a dramatic tone, it's so much fun (do it when you're alone, though or else it might be a 'lil creepy hehe)

Hope you guys enjoyed it cause I'm LITERALLY DEAD with Jack's cuteness.

How do you feel about Jack?

Xoxo,
Pri