CAUGHT OFF GAURD

CAUGHT OFF GUARD: CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

"Believe me," I interrupted, "I'm scared about the future too -- real scared. But I feel a lot more courageous when I think of us facing it together." I grinned. "So... uh, what're you gonna do about your mom? I mean, I'd be real happy to never have to be face to face with her again in my life, cuz she scares the hell out of me, but we can't hide this from her. Not forever."

"Why not? Why does she have to know just yet?" Fear showed in his voice.

I glared at him. "Because I don't want to hide it from our families and sneak around. I don't wanna to be ashamed anymore. I'm not saying we have to be out to the whole world. I don't even want to come out at school -- but it looks like we just did anyway. But I'd be okay with pretending to everyone at school we aren't together for this last bit until graduation -- if you think you could somehow cover over what happened today. I mean, it's a matter of survival," I said with a shudder.

He didn't reply, but turned slightly away, as if he was trying to weigh our odds for survival.

My eyes narrowed as I continued. "I don't even want to imagine what would happen to us if everyone knew. I've been through kids' reactions when they just thought I might be gay. But anyway, school's almost over and my point is really your mom. Are you ready to face her honestly? You did that morning, and I was really proud of you for having the guts I didn't have. I probably would've tried to deny or rationalize my way out of it, I don't know. But you tried to stand up for us."

Cole shook his head. "Whaddya mean, stand up for us? I caved in like a fuckin' house of cards! I'm ashamed of how easily I gave in to her that morning," he looked down at the floor.

I touched his arm consolingly, "I don't blame you for giving in to her, Cole. After you left me in that yard, remember the neighbor who tried to get you to get off of me?" He nodded. "Well, he and his wife Rachel took me inside after I cried for awhile to her in the yard. They were so wonderful and told me her brother was gay, so they completely understood. But the thing is, Ron works for NASA and knows who your mom is, and he told me a story about the time he saw your mom take on some politician and shred him to pieces. I understood then that it was no wonder you gave in to her. He called her 'formidable' and said he thought the military had created her as a 'secret weapon'!" He laughed sardonically at that.

"I already knew she scared the piss outta me, so I had to try to understand what it would be like to be her son, and what kind of trips she could put in your head."

He sighed. "Some heavy duty ones," he said with a smirk. "I can tell you that much for sure. That morning, when I got back, she sat me down and got me drunk on scotch -- which I don't even like -- while she twisted my head around all kinds a ways. You were this evil little 'deviant temptress' who seduced me and tricked me into doing all this shit to get me in trouble with the law -- did you know gay sex is against the law in Some parts of Texas? And you were still a minor at that point, too," he mumbled and looked down at his hands

.

"Anyway," he continued, "she had fucking pictures sitting there, even yearbooks, of almost every girlfriend I ever had. She went on and on about what a stud I was with girls, and how she just knew I couldn't possibly want 'deviant' sex. She had magazine articles about how nasty and sick the homosexual lifestyle is, and case studies of gay guys molesting little kids and all this sick stuff," he said, scowling at the images in his mind.

"She talked about when I get married and have kids, how rewarding that would be and all that bullshit. And she laid some really heavy guilt trips on me about her and Dad - like she did before I took you home-- what it would do to their positions at work, and to our family if this ever got out." A sarcastic smirk appeared on his lips, "She even said if I was gay, that she wouldn't give me security clearance if I wanted to follow in either of their footsteps at NASA." He chuckled derisively, "Like I wanna! But man, she had me all guilty and turned around for a while there. And, of course, I was so scared of being gay, it wasn't very hard for her to convince me..."

"But are you ready to stand up to her now?" I insisted. "I mean, I'm ready to come out to my parents. I just... I don't think we have a chance if you don't confront her. This is very important to me, Cole. Maybe it's because she caught us together and her reaction so completely made 'us' bad, dirty, invalid, and I feel this strong need to prove to her that what we have is good." I thought for a moment, "Hell, maybe I'm the one that needs to say something to her. But I really don't know if I could pull that off though."

I shook my head, remembering her bone-chilling stare. "Man, I am one gutless punk, ain't I?" I gave myself one of those general patton slaps for being such a wimp. I told myself, 'Things've gotta change, nigga. Fucking grow up.'

"No," Cole said with a sigh, "That would definitely be me. I've never really stood up to her before. Hell, there ain't been any big issues in the past to stand up to her for, though. My sister was the one who had all the conflicts with her all her life. But she's definitely controlled and manipulated me all my life. I started realizing that sometime last week, while she was saying how you manipulated me and tricked me into doin' all that, that it wasn't part of my nature -- when I knew deep down how much I loved you, and how I had wanted it just as much." He looked at me, a small trace of a smile flickering across his lips. "Hell, I was the one who brought you to my house hoping to have sex with you that day!" He chuckled.

"And I knew that me an' you don't think like the sicko's in those articles she showed me. I started thinking what would happen if we got back together and she found out. It was the first time I stopped and thought about how she treats me -- she plays me like a puppet and has for years. I'm such a stupid fucking punk -- I've always just gone along with her," he said, shaking his head, thinking back.

"She's made all my decisions for me, and I let her. I always thought I was strong-willed, and she made me think I was so strong. But I finally realized how I totally let her manipulate everything in my life." He looked to the ceiling and took a deep breath, "It definitely has to be me. I have to take over my own life."

I moved toward him again, and he pulled me by the waist in-between his spread knees where he sat against the very edge of the tall table. I said, "I'll be there with you. I'm scared of her, but not too scared to fight for us." I shook my head again and snickered, "God, that sounds like a line from some cheesy movie or soap opera. Y'know, most of my life, nothing much exciting -- then wham! All this. It's like it's all a dream. Does it seem real to you? I mean, sometimes it's almost like a cross between Days of Our Lives and The Twilight Zone," I said, laughing.

He smiled back, his golden brown bloodshot eyes boring into me, "Sometimes it seems like a dream, and sometimes it's just too fucking real. I never cried so much in all the rest of my life put together," he chuckled and sniffed.

"Yeah," I said, as I caressed his arm, "you know, I haven't always been such a crybaby either. Really, before I met you, I hadn't cried in years, since I was thirteen and realized I was actually gay. That was rough for me, and I never really let myself fully accept it until I fell in love with you. And I guess that's what's so scary... and yet it's also part of what draws me -- the way you so easily can make me cry, you know what I mean? I don't mean I like crying... It's the force of the emotions..." I couldn't figure out how to explain it, so I gave up. "I never imagined love could be this intense."