CAUGHT OFF GAURD

CAUGHT OFF GUARD: CHAPTER FIFTY

MAIN CHARACTER 👆🏾

KHALIL💕

I was still reeling from the day as I brushed my teeth; and at one point, I just stood there, staring at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, foaming at the mouth. 'WOW! It's really all out in the open! THEY KNOW!' I shouted in my brain, and my eyes got big.

'But they still love me.' I got goose bumps aaaall over my body. But the one thing that lingered between each thought and haunted me, as I replayed parts of my 'coming out party', was the abject shame I had felt all the way up until Dad let me know he still loved me.
I looked at myself and shook my head in wonder-- ashamed of my shame. I had thought I was over being ashamed of who and what I am; while being pragmatic enough to accept that I had to hide it from most people. What was important was that I thought I had accepted myself.

I thought I had convinced myself that my desire and need for guys just couldn't be the disgusting and damming thing the majority of people view it as. I had thought, 'If 'they' just knew me, they would see I'm not evil or sick. I'm not going to destroy the American way of life by living my own life the way I need to, like most of these niggas is saying.'

I couldn't decide if the fear and trauma of the confrontation had made me slip right back into the old shame in a moment of crisis because it was so familiar and just so easy to wear, or if I was just fooling myself and deep down, I still hadn't really forgiven myself for being gay.

But I didn't know how I could really tell one way or the other, so I tried to let it go and dwell on the positives of the day.

And I had soooo much to be thankful for! Today I discovered that I had parents who loved me even though I was 'like this', and I got my true love back. That's a momentous day in anybody's books!

As I thought about Cole , I realized too, that one of the significant aspects of our reunion for me had been finding out that my intense love for Cole had not been one-sided, that he had loved me all along, even while he tried to deny it to himself for awhile there. This mattered a lot to me because after the breakup, a lot of my self-pity wallowing had been spent beating myself up for being stupid enough to believe he could love me back in the first place.

And even while I was beating myself up about it, part of my mind kept insisting that he did really love me; but in the face of what I could see up until today, that had just made me think I was even more stupid and naïve, and couldn't trust my gut feelings in any way.

Then I started feeling massive guilt over Tyson and forced myself to not dwell on it. 'There's nothing you can do about it til you find him, so let it go for now. You aren't doing any good just beating yourself up about it, so just stop it!'