Theo (Boyxboy)(Trans)

Chapter Nine

I can't help but let out a laugh at that, "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, Reese-cup."

My face falls to a more serious expression as I realize what he's asking of me and what I could do right now, "Okay... but, let's go for a walk. No one can know about my thing, not even Lane... yet."

Fourty minutes later, after going north of the suburbs and into the woods to our old favourite spot, a little pond with a messed up tree hanging over the edge--perfect for sitting. Up in our tree, I find myself on the thinner end of the large branch, straddling it backwards so I can face Carter.

"Okay," He says with a huge huff. "Go."

I take a deep breath, lookup at the few leaves left in the tree above us as I consider my words, "I've been lying to Reed about who I am. I... a few weeks back I came to a sudden realization, although I think I've sort of known for a long time. The clues were all there in the back of my mind, but maybe a better way of saying it is, I found a way to describe who I am."

"Okay?" Carter says slowly, not looking weirded out, just slightly confused with where I'm going. "Are you about to tell me you're a lesbian? I mean, because that's fine if you are, you know that's not something you have to be scared to tell me, cousin."

I snort in laughter, shaking my head, "No! No, I still very much like boys. Maybe... a little too much?"

His brows furrow in confusion again, "Okay, you've lost me."

I sigh deeply, frustrated with how hard this is to say out loud to someone, and so scared that he won't understand or think it's ridiculous. For all I know he'll think it's not real or just a phase, or... no this is Carter. This is Aunt Julie's son for crying out loud. No one who grew up with that woman could possibly have a cruel bone in their body. Even if he doesn't understand, I need to trust that like her, he'll try to.

"I'm... a boy," I say quietly, feeling all the air leave my lungs with that one word.

I don't breathe again until moments later when his flat expression becomes a slightly curious one, "You're... a boy? I... okay. Could you maybe explain that a little more?"

Nibbling my lip, I find it hard to meet his gaze as I force the words to leave me in one rush, "The truth is I've never felt feminine. Maybe it's more than that. I've never felt right in my own skin. I see boys, and I like them, but at the same time I've always felt something towards them that I couldn't really pinpoint and now I guess I realize it to be envy. I want what they have. I feel like I'm supposed to have what they have. In my head I see myself as a boy, but the mirror tells me differently."

After my rambling, wondering if any of that made as much sense as it seemed to in my head, I finally find the courage to meet Carter's eyes. I'm shocked when I see a small smile, and he suddenly pulls me in for a tight embrace.

"I'm so proud of you, Reese-cup," He says quietly in my ear. "I may not understand completely, but I know how hard it is to embrace being different and to speak about it."

"I promise no matter what's going on, I'm here for you. I'll support you like I always have. Just like my mom would."

Tears escape me at his last words, causing me to hug him as tight as I can, and soon I can feel him trembling as well and I don't think I've ever felt like something as simple as a hug could be the difference between holding on and two fragile people falling into pieces.

"I've screwed up so bad though!" I groan sadly into his shoulder, pulling away to meet his gaze. "One day I went out dressed up in a way that made me look kind of like a boy I guess, and when I met Reed he assumed and called me a guy and I just... didn't correct him? Actually I completely played it up and told him my name was Theo! Then I met him at school as my normal self and he didn't recognize me so for some idiotic reason I still didn't come clean and when he asked if I knew Theo because he thought we might be related since we 'look alike', I said no! I've been masquerading as two different people and I just feel horrible."