Our Little Secret

Chapter 36

"Alright Skylar, say what you need to say," Ava said as I walked into the house behind her.

I took a deep breath and rubbed my sweaty palms together. I had to do this the right way or I would only make things worse.

"After Greyson and I saw Isabel and Micah when we were out for dinner, I ran into Isabel again at the coffee shop and we talked for a while," I said, "after that she asked me to hang out, and we started spending time together...as friends."

Ava's expression remained stoic as I continued on.

"We got really drunk one night and we - we kissed," I said.

I saw Ava wince, and I had a hard time continuing.

"I knew it was a fucking mistake the second it happened, and I tried to just blame it on all of the alcohol," I said, "but when we kept hanging out, I knew that's not what it was."

Ava leaned back against the counter and began to fidget with her hands, but she still stayed silent.

"Ava you have to know that I fucking - I tried not to have feelings for her. I didn't want to, I gave it time and I just - they kept coming back," I said, "I debated so many fucking times about telling you, but I - I had no idea how the hell I was supposed to do that or what the hell I was supposed to say."

I could see tears start to well up in Ava's eyes, and it broke me all over again.

"I knew that no matter when or how I told you, it was going to fucking crush you. I was trying to figure out how to do it, I promise," I continued, "but how you found out was the absolute last way that I wanted that to happen."

Ava reached up and quickly wiped a tear away from her cheek, and she refused to make eye contact with me.

"I just needed you to know that this - it just kind of happened, and I didn't want it to," I said, "I realize that it doesn't make any of it okay, and I know I'm a terrible fucking friend, but I had to at least try to explain it."

I watched as more tears came down Ava's face, and I hesitantly took a step towards her. She kept her arms down in front of her, but she let me wrap her in a tight hug.

"I'm so, so sorry Ava," I said quietly as I felt a tear of my own fall down my face.

I slowly stepped back from her, keeping my hands on her arms momentarily before I let them drop to my sides.

"I don't - I really don't know what to say," Ava said between sniffles.

"You don't have to say anything," I said as I shook my head, "and I'm not expecting you to forgive me."

"But I wanted to tell you the truth," I continued, "and if - I mean if there's anything else you need to know, I'll tell you whatever you want."

"Why would I need to know anything else about you and Isabel?" Ava asked.

"No I didn't mean -" I paused as I let out a sigh, "I just meant that I don't want to lie to you about anything anymore, so if you need me to clear anything up or - I don't know."

"I get what you mean," Ava nodded.

"I don't - I don't want this to completely ruin our friendship," I said.

I met Ava's gaze, but I couldn't get a good read on what she was thinking.

"Well things aren't just going to go back to normal Skylar," Ava said, "you can't expect that after what you did."

"No I know," I responded as I shook my head guiltily, "I didn't think that they would."

"Listen," Ava said, "I know that you didn't do this on purpose or plan for this to happen, but I - "

She paused and took a deep breath before continuing.

"I can't just be okay with it, or how you handled it."

"I know," I agreed, "I should've talked to you the second that something happened."

"Yes," Ava nodded, "you really should have. I still wouldn't have felt good about it...but it would've been better than finding out how I did."

"Just believe me when I tell you, I've told myself that hundreds of times, I should've known that it would happen this way when I kept avoiding it," I said.

"This probably isn't a good time to bring this up either," I continued, "but while I'm at it I want you to know that Isabel wants to apologize to you too. I wanted to make sure that I talked to you myself first but...just so you know that."

"I don't think I'm quite ready for that conversation," Ava said.

"No I figured you weren't," I responded.

"Did you do this behind Greyson's back too?" Ava asked me out of nowhere.

"No I - well," I stopped to think about it, "the first time we kissed...when we were drunk, I guess that was when Greyson and I were still dating, but other than that, no."

Ava nodded slowly, and I stood there in silence, waiting to see if she was going to ask me anything else now that it seemed like she was in the mood.

"Have you two..." she started to ask me something but hesitated, "have you slept together?"

"Is that really what you want to know?" I asked her as I raised my eyebrows.

She shrugged and crossed her arms over her chest. I wasn't sure why she wanted to know the answer, but I had said I would tell her anything.

"Yes," I said with a sigh, "we have."

I could tell Ava was trying not to have much of a reaction, but she couldn't completely hide it.

"So is that all it is then?" She asked me, "just a hook up? Or is it more?"

I was starting to wish that I hadn't offered to answer any of her questions as I stood there and gritted my teeth.

"Ava I don't know how to tell you the truth about all of this without hurting you more," I said.

"Just tell me," she said, "I think it'll be better for my own sanity if I just know."

"We're not just sleeping together, I um, I think I really like her," I mumbled.

Ava nodded again, I wasn't sure if what I'd said had made her feel better or worse.

"Is that where you've been staying? With Isabel?" She asked.

"Yeah, I don't really have anywhere else," I said with a shrug, "and I'm not expecting you to let me come back here any time soon...or at all honestly."

Ava looked down at the floor, not giving me any clue about what she was thinking about what I'd just said.

"I'm um, I'm going to go," I continued, "if you want to talk at all again or - or anything like that, let me know."

I turned away from Ava and walked towards the front door.

"Skylar," she said, stopping me, "I'm going to need some time, but - I think we can talk again soon."

I felt a slight grin spread across my face as I nodded and walked outside. Finally, there was at least a tiny glimmer of hope.

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