Early Birds

In the Stars

After enjoying their delicious dinner, Simon and Cassie relaxed, chatting at the dinner table. Hoping to distract himself from the growing feelings he was experiencing, he asked Cassie about more work needing done around the cabin.

'The rate you're going Simon, there'll be no more work for me to do when you go back to work' Cassie exclaimed 'Not that I'm not grateful. Having you helping has been amazing, you've managed to get a lot of jobs finished that would have taken me weeks on my own'. She added.

'Love, I'm happy to help and be busy, I'd rather help you get work finished and give you more time for your garden' he explained.

'Aw, thank you Simon, that's so kind of you' Cassie gushed. 'I'll take all the help you can give Simon, but I want you to feel like you can take time out and do your own thing, if you want to go do training or running or something'. She suggested.

Simon thought about this, he had been so happy to help out, he hadn't really given any thought to his training routine, he'd been enjoying the practical work. Considering he didn't know when he would be called back to duty, he did agree that he could spend some time keeping up his training. As much as he wanted to spend as much time with Cassie as possible, it would provide a good distraction for him and give him an opportunity to work through the jumble of feelings and thoughts he was having.

'Tell you what love, how about I set up a training routine that will fit in with still doing work around the cabin. I'd still like to help out'. Simon reasoned. 'I know a few of the trails so I can start cross country running, set up some training and makeshift weights and reset some targets for my throwing knives'.

'Sounds like a good plan' Cassie replied grinning, glad to hear that he was going to vary his activities. She loved working with him, but she didn't want to be monopolising his time with all of her needs.

As it was a clear evening, Simon and Cassie took their drinks outside and sat on the porch to watch the stars. Sitting silently, Simon marvelled at Cassie's serene face. She was looking up at the stars with a gentle smile, like she was looking at an old friend. Mesmerised by the young woman, he imagined Cassie sitting out here in the summer evenings, watching the sunset and the stars come out. Simon thought that he wanted to be a witness to that, he wanted to be here to see it.

Thinking to her living arrangements, he knew that Cassie had no family left, plus the amount of time she spent up in the mountains alone, he felt compelled to ask 'you ever feel lonely up here by yourself, love?'

Cassie tilted her head and looked at him, smiling 'hmmm, sometimes.....in Winter when there's less work to do outside, but, when I feel like that, I remind myself that I'm not really alone'.

Simon looked puzzled, so Cassie explained 'you see the star constellation Ursula Minor?' she said pointing up at the sky.

'Yes, the little bear, you seem to like bears, eh?', Simon responded chuckling

Cassie giggled, before pointing again to the stars, 'Well, see the four stars that make up the ladle, I see them as my dad, my mum, grannie and gramps. So when I get lonely, I come out and say hi to them and tell them all about my day. So wherever I am and even when it's cloudy, I know they'll always be there'.

Simon listened intently, his heart pained at the thought of Cassie being lonely and sitting here watching the stars to feel some comfort. Simon thought about his own situation, he'd been a long time without his family, so he was used to being alone. True, he had Price and the 141 team, but he still spent a lot of time on his own. Simon was aware of times when he'd felt a sense or dissatisfaction or of discomfort in the times he was by himself, but hadn't really thought about it as possibly feeling lonely. 

He had to admit that those thoughts would usually prompt him to keep busy or look for a solo mission, thinking it was better than sitting around in his own thoughts. Was he lonely? He'd always believed that he didn't want or need anyone, but his time with Cassie had started a shift in him, where he yearned for her company and missed her when she wasn't with him.

Simon's thoughts were interrupted by Cassie prodding his arm.

'You okay there Grizzly Bear?' she said chuckling. 

Simon rolled his eyes 'yeah, just got me thinking, is all'.

'Thought I could see smoke coming out of your ears' Cassie said with a mischievous grin.

'Cheeky sod' he replied bumping her with his elbow. 'I spend a lot of time on solo missions, watching the stars cos I can't sleep. Never usually a good idea for me to be overthinking, but I like the idea of seeing them as a reminder of family who's passed'.

The two sat for a while in silence, gazing at the sky, lost in their own thoughts. Shaking himself from his reverie, glanced at Cassie and noticed her shiver. 'c'mon love, it's getting cold, lets get you in and warmed up, eh?' he said smiling at her. 

Spending the rest of the evening chatting on the sofa, Simon felt contented and very happy, he could so get used to this if only he could work out his worries and the conflict that arose for him around intimacy. Cassie was exhausted so fell asleep against Simon, not that Simon minded. He loved that she felt so comfortable with him and wanted nothing more than to make sure she was happy. After some time, Simon decided to carry Cassie through to her bed, immediately missing the warmth and intimacy of the contact.

Simon lay awake for a long time, in the dull glow of the wood burner, playing over the same arguments in his mind. The conflict between wanting to be close and intimate with the woman he loved, but still feeling the fear of that intimacy. He'd become so much more comfortable with the small acts of affection they showed each other through the day, but his mind was plagued by an increasing craving of more. 

The feelings of attraction and growing arousal followed him throughout the day, but he found himself fighting them down, not wanting to and fearing allowing them to overtake him. The years of training himself to bury any feelings of arousal were starting to crumble, the longer he stayed with Cassie.

His mind would wader to feelings of craving her softness and warmth against him, how it would feel to give into that softness. Where could it lead? Simon imagined soft kisses and whispering to her how beautiful he found her, how her soft curves would feel in his rough hands. He imagined taking his time ensuring that she felt only the pleasure that he would give her, wanting her to feel how much he loved her, something far more important than his own needs. The thought of laying with her, making love with her, filled his mind with such yearning that he couldn't think straight.

His memories of sexual contact with women were laced with discomfort in how selfishly he chased his own pleasure, not caring about the other person involved. That's all he had known or cared about. But the abuse he'd experienced at the hands of his old commanding officer and Roba, haunted him and made him feel disgusting and tainted. The thought of anyone touching his bare body brought waves of nausea. How could he possibly think of being physically intimate with Cassie? What if he became nauseous while with her, what if the contact induced a panic attack? What if she was disgusted by him and his damaged body?