Complicated

Chapter 17: Emotional Explosions

I don't understand, how could Gally say he had my back but act the way he does? How can he say he believes in me when he didn't even ask me what happened. I was laying on the ground in the middle of a broken ladder and roof. Could he not tell I was in pain? How could he not understand that his actions have consequences? He had to be smarter than that...right? I understand when he says they can't treat me different... I would love for them to treat me like a Glader...but in their twisted version of it they treat me like a contagious disease or something they can pick on.

Gally's way of thinking just didn't make any sense. He says one thing, and then does the opposite. I think that's what hurts the most, because I can see the kindness and the gentleness there, and he shows it, just enough to keep me around, and then his actions crush that. But why would it hurt so much? Would I be this upset if Frypan or Fred did that? Or Newt? Maybe... but this pain seems deeper, harsher. I don't know how to sort this all out, its so complicated, but it shouldn't be.

For the first in the Glad, I let myself cry. I can only shove down my emotions for so long. I hate it here. I hate the boys. I hate these Creators and I hate my life. Newt held me while I cried. He didn't say anything or try to reason with me. He didn't tell me to suck it up and toughen up. He stayed quiet. I didn't cry for long, and when I finally turned to sniffs and shuddering breathing, I righted myself with great difficulty. My ribs felt like they were on fire. I groaned. Newt helped me sit up and lean against the wall.

His big brown eyes were so full of concern and care it made me feel safe, at least one person here actually cares. Well maybe a few more.

"Are you okay, Love?"

I sniffed one last time and used the heel of my hand to wipe the last of the tears. Taking a big slow shuddering breath, I nodded.

"I guess you can't keep emotions bottled up for too long." I chuckled sadly, holding my ribs.

"No. It isn't healthy."

He patted my knee, as he shifted to sit beside me leaning against the wall. We both looking to the opposite wall. I leaned my head back and closed my sore tired eyes.

"Shuck feelings suck." I muttered.

Newt chuckled sadly. "It makes us human."

"I don't want to be human then. It sucks."

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked quietly, "I know your not happy. Anyone with eyes can see that...and I worry about you."

I laughed bitterly. "You the only one."

He turned his head sharply towards me, even with my eyes closed I could picture his disapproving look.

"That's not true!"

I snorted.

"No! I know a handful of shanks who genuinely care! Alby. Minho. Frypan. Fred. Vinny."

I stayed quiet.

"But I think..." He started quietly, thoughtfully. "There is more to this. I think you want a certain shank whom you would like to show his care a bit more."

I sighed, my shoulders slumped.

"It's complicated Newt. I've been her for like a week, half that time I've been in this shuck room. But... I don't know! Sometimes I think I can see the kindness, and its easy to be around him...but most of the time I want to punch his stupid beautiful face! He just makes me so...angry!"

Newt just hummed, waiting for me to continue.

"He said he had my back, said he believes in me..." I scoffed, "but he has a twisted way in showing it." I paused, looking down, I could feel the tears forming again. "I just wish his actions matched the half hearted apology he threw in my face. And that was only after I call him out of his bull shit and he found out Minho had come to say hey."