HER JOURNAL

Yr.2022

"There are certain things or situations we can no longer control and I leave all of that to God"

22nd of June
Today's Wednesday
I woke up exactly 5:20 AM
I could hear the music
Playing in St Roque Parish Church
A glorious music
Far from the chaotic scene in our house

5:36 AM
The music stops
I bet the mass already ended
Today's the first day of school
Of my li'l brother
After almost 3 years of modular learning
They're finally back to school

I hope he feels excited the way I do
We're really not in a good financial state
At the moment
We weren't able to buy him a new uniform
Or even school supplies
We almost can't afford our daily expenses
Food, water, clothes etcetera

I'm also worried 'bout my father
His suffering in pain specifically on her hips and knee
I feel like I need to do something
My chest feels heavy
Knowing that he still go to work
I wonder how
He manage to get his job done
He can't walk steadily
I can see in the look on his face
I could sense the pain
I want him to quit working
For awhile
And just rest his body

But that's never easy
Who will sustain us?
Where to get money
For the day to day expenses?
How can we survive?

I'm scared of the consequences
What if it gets worst?
What if life will really be bad asf to us?
What if I try?
What if I work..

Do you think I could handle the shit?
I ain't ready for it
But currently, being ready isn't a big deal
I need to jump and let go

No one's gonna help us
I feel no one cares about us
It's just me who's thinking and worrying 'bout it
Of helping my family?
Tell me I'm not alone
I can't carry them all alone
But I'm willing to try
I'm willing to do everything

I told God,
'Let me suffer alone..
Free my family from pain and sadness
Let me carry all the worries and burden
I'll be fine
Just set them free from all those suffering,
And if Im tired
I'll call your name
I'll surender everything"

I don't want them to feel bad
I'm scared they can't handle it
I'm scared they wouldn't know what to do
I'm scared they'll suffer endlessly
Because they never know You
I'm sorry
I do not know
No one's vocal about Your existence
I heard no one in this house
Talking about You this past years
It's awful

God please take care of us
I'm scared.

Rain