What if I run out of words to rhyme in my poetry?
What if I can't recall the color of the sunset in my memory?
Will someone be there to tell me,
"For now, I'll be the poet and you'll be my poetry"
Will someone paint the majestic sunset for me?
What if I fail on something they expect me to excel?
What if I didn't become the person they thought I'd be - what will they feel?
What if I take the wrong step and I fell?
Will they stay and still accept me?
Will they turn their backs away from me?
I cried so hard this afternoon. Why do I have this extreme fear of being abandoned? I always take a careful step like theirs a bomb waiting to activate the moment I take the wrong turn. Pleasing people is quite toxic, honestly. I need to be prim, I need to be smart, I need to be like that, I need to be like this. I should never fail, I should never do this, I should never do that.
.. Or else they'll leave. Or else they'll hate me.
When all I wanted is to be loved. But I guess, it takes much effort to be cared for. It's like I need to pay to be treated right. I can't be myself because people doesn't like that version of me. I can't commit mistake, I need to be perfect or else they'll turn their backs away from me.
If I win, we win. If I lose, I lose. I carry the burden of being a failure.. alone.
I can't even cry and show my vulnerability in front of them 'coz nobody likes a crybaby. Nobody knows my life's story 'coz no one's interested in a tragic genre. I need to hide all of it to myself, concealing it in poems - writing on my diary.
But I'm tired of pretending like everything's okay. I'm tired of faking a smile everytime my life's in burning hell. Im tired of keeping all this burden inside me. Im emotional, I'm crazy, that's the real me.
I guess..
It would be hard.. to finally set myself free from the chains of pleasing people.
But I won't live in the standards set by the society. Im so tired of pleasing people just to stay beside me. For once, I want to be me.. even though nobody likes that version of myself.
And if I fail and they'll all become disappointed of me.. I'll rise up whether they stay or choose to abandon me.
I'll cry whenever I feel like crying. I'll never suppress my feelings even though they'll call me weak. And I'll never be sorry for being dumb and stupid sometimes. I can never be smart nor intelligent everyday.
And if people hate me for being me? I'll never hold grudges because I know I have God that will never forsaken me.
RAIN
YOU ARE READING
HER JOURNAL
Non-FictionIt includes real life situations and events. A glimpse of HER thoughts. Contains poems, quotes and prose. A journal of a girl we'll just call Rain. Isn't it interesting to read someone's journal? She say's, "Sometimes, it's better to let a stranger...
