Your Eyes Tell

25.

YoonGi's POV

     I didn't talk much with HoSeok or NamJoon as we were walking up to our door. NamJoon opened the door letting HoSeok and I walk in first. I quickly took my shoes off and headed to my room. Pacing back and forth in my room I felt on edge, grabbing a notebook off my desk and heading to the balcony. I sat at the small table lighting up a cigarette and writing in my notebook. I wrote every thought that crossed my mind. Everything I thought about but don't have the courage to speak.

     I was stuck in my own head, thoughts swirling around as I took a another hit, breathing in deep, exhaling the smoke. "Hyung..." I didn't hear him knock or come through my room so his voice caught me off guard. "You're smoking again." His voice was almost a whisper. I slowly looked up from my notebook, closing it. I didn't want him reading it. My eyes found his and I quickly took another deep hit. I stared into his eyes as I exhaled, smoke filling the space between us.

JungKook's POV

     YoonGi's face was void of emotion, his eyes narrowed at me as he exhaled, and as much as I wanted to be angry with him I also just wanted to hold him close. I breathed out. "I'm sorry Hyung...for... before. I was disrespectful and I'm sorry." YoonGi sat back in his seat, he put his cigarette out. I noticed his notebook but didn't comment on it. I was about to walk back inside. "I'm sorry." YoonGi whispered out, his voice was raspy and low. "What?" I asked confused. YoonGi looked down at the ground. "I...I...Uhm...I..." YoonGi mumbled out his eyes quickly moving from side to side. YoonGi was nervous.

     I took a step forward unsure if I should or not until YoonGi looked up and his eyes were tearing up. "I'm sorry I'm not good..." YoonGi's voice trailed off. "What the fuck are you talking about?" I whisper yelled as I knelt in front of him. "I'm not good enough." YoonGi whispered while staring at his hands in his lap. "Hyung..." YoonGi flinched. I gently placed my hand against the side of his face, looking him in the eyes, rubbing my thumb across his cheek bone gently. "Gi you are more than good enough. Why..." I took a quick breath trying not to get angry. "Why would you say that?" I asked gently. "I'm disgusting Kook." YoonGi's voice cracked. He chuckled lightly. "I shouldn't be here." YoonGi's voice was shaky but he continued. "Jay..." YoonGi's voice trailed off. My brows furrowed in confusion trying to understand what YoonGi was saying. "He destroyed me. I'm broken, the kind of broken that can't be fixed. He's going to ruin whatever I have left. I shouldn't pull you guys down with me." YoonGi wrapped his arms around himself.

     I wasn't sure what I could say to make him feel better, he obviously had a lot running through his head. I gently moved my hand to the back of YoonGi's neck, pulling him closer, I kissed his forehead. "We all need you. I need you. It doesn't matter what Jay tries to do. We will not leave you and we will get through this. You aren't alone. You will never be alone." I pulled YoonGi in closer, hugging him tightly. He didn't move at first, just sitting there but he didn't push me away. "I'm so sorry Kookie." YoonGi whispered as I felt one of his tears soak into my shirt. "There is nothing for you to be sorry about. We are all human. We all make mistakes. Its okay Gi. I'm right here. You haven't done anything wrong. Jay is in the wrong and I won't let him hurt you anymore." I could feel YoonGi relax a little and slowing he wrapped his arms around my waist.

     Holding YoonGi always feels like home and I won't let Jay or anyone try to destroy my home. Looking at the table next to us I noticed YoonGi's notebook again. I remember how he quickly closed it when he saw me. 'He's writing again. This is good.' I won't ask about it. Right now I just want to be here. I squeezed him a little tighter. Inhaling his scent and wishing the smell of cigarettes wasn't currently mixed in with his natural scent. I gently ran my fingers through YoonGi's hair. "Jin Hyung wanted me to let you know that dinner was ready. Will you come eat with us or do you want to eat in your room again?" I gently asked. As much as I hoped he would come eat with us I knew he'd most likely choose to eat alone in his room.

YoonGi's POV

     I breathed out. As much as I wanted to eat alone in my room I knew it would make JungKook happy if I ate with them. I just wasn't sure if I could yet. "Can...can you give me a few minutes?" I managed to mumble out. "Sure." JungKook whispered. Watching him leave, I debated on lighting another cigarette. I leaned against the railing on the balcony, taking a deep breath. "YoonGi Hyung..." I turned my head to see NamJoon with his head through my door.

     NamJoon walked out to the balcony, looking out at the view. He didn't say anything he just stood their looking out at the view. "You aren't going to ask?" I asked softly. "Hyung, you and I have known each other the longest. We may not always agree and we may fight sometimes but I respect you and I know you respect me and I believe we know each other well enough to know that we don't always have to talk. I am just here. If you want to talk, I'm here. If you want to just be here in silence, I'm here." As NamJoon spoke I couldn't help but feel a small smile creep across my lips. "Joon-ah, I appreciate that." We both continued looking out at the view.

     I took a deep breath. "Joon-ah I want to be better. I just don't know... I don't know what to do." "That's okay Hyung. Its okay to not know." Hearing NamJoon speak those words made me feel slightly better. "NamJoon-ah, do you think... you think I'm good enough?" I asked, nervous of hearing his response. NamJoon furrowed his brows. "Good enough?" NamJoon questioned. I nodded. "Hyung, you're more than good enough. What exactly are you asking?" NamJoon continued. "I... am I even a rapper? Is my music any good? Should I even be in this group? JungKookie deserves better than me right? He deserves to be happy with someone who can give him so much more than I can." I finally looked over at NamJoon. He was smiling his dimples showing and right now I just wanted to smack him. "Hyung, JungKook is in love with you and no one except you will ever be good enough for him." NamJoon chuckled lightly then looked me in the eyes. "Hyung, did you love him?" "Love him?" "Did you love Jay?" NamJoon asked seriously.

     I looked out at the view again. "Honestly?" I asked, almost whispered. "Jay was good looking." I said with a shrug. NamJoon nodded in agreement. "Watching JungKook and TaeHyung was breaking me..." I looked down at my hands gripping the railing. "He was a distraction. I liked him but I never loved him..." My voice trailed off. "Hyung, if you weren't in love with him why did you stay so long?" I knew the question was coming, I've been asking myself the same exact question. "I... I had no where to go... I just... I felt like I was already broken. It was okay with Jay for the first few months but then... He changed or maybe I wasn't good enough for him anymore. I don't... I don't know. I felt like I couldn't breathe and everything I was doing was wrong." "Fuck Hyung, what the fuck did he do to you? He really messed with your head didn't he?" NamJoon spoke softly.

     "What kind of man am I that I let all this shit happen?" The question escaped through my lips before I could even think. "Hyung, you are anything but weak. Jay is an asshole. I am sorry for everything that happened..." NamJoon said, his voice trailing off at the end. "Its my fault Joon-ah." I quickly replied. NamJoon placed his hand on my shoulder. Come eat with us. "You don't have to talk if you don't want to, just come sit with us." NamJoon suggested. I nodded, agreeing to eat with them. 'Maybe this will be good.' I thought as I breathed out and followed NamJoon back inside the house to the dining room.