Your Eyes Tell

24.

HoSeok's POV

*knock knock*

     I knocked before entering YoonGi's room. The room was dark when I opened the door. He was curled up in his bed, only tufts of his hair could be seen. I gently pulled his blanket back a bit and put my hand on his shoulder. "Hyung..." I spoke softly not wanting to scare him but he jolted awake, sitting up in his bed immediately and yelling, "Stop!" His breathing was ragged, I gently ran my hand up and down his back. "Hyung, its just me. Its okay. You're okay." "Fuck Hoba." YoonGi cursed under his breath, his voice raspy from just waking up. "I'm sorry Hyung. I didn't mean to scare you." YoonGi just nodded. "You should get ready to go." I wouldn't of woken him up except he still has his appointment this afternoon and if he didn't get up soon he would end up being late.

     YoonGi rubbed his face and got out of bed mumbling something about being out in a bit as he headed to his bathroom. I got up and headed out to the living room where some of the others were hanging out. "Is he up?" NamJoon asked, looking up from his phone. "Yeah. He'll be out soon." I let him know as I watched JungKook sitting on the couch staring at his hands in his lap, his tongue poking the inside of cheek. "Jin Hyung and Tae went to the store they should be back later." NamJoon said as he put his phone in his pocket. I nodded in acknowledgement.

     It didn't take long and YoonGi was walking into the living room. "Lets go." YoonGi mumbled. I could see JungKook lift his head, looking at YoonGi like he wanted to say something but he stopped himself. I looked at YoonGi who was looking back at JungKook but his face and eyes appeared void of any emotion. YoonGi turned to head for the door and that's when I saw it, a flash of emotion in his eyes. Pain? Anger? Hurt? Frustration? I'm not totally sure what it was but it was there. Since this whole thing YoonGi has shown damn near no emotion and it worries me. He was always harder to read compared to the rest of us before but now its almost like he's not even here.

     NamJoon, YoonGi, and I left and headed to YoonGi's appointment. NamJoon sat in the back on his phone, YoonGi sat in the passenger seat while I drove. He stared out the window. As soon as we arrived YoonGi turned to me. "Can you guys wait for me this time?" YoonGi asked. He couldn't even look me in the eyes. He kept looking down almost like he was trying to get permission. "Of course Hyung. Do you want us to wait out here?" I asked softly. "No. I want you to come inside, i just..." YoonGi trailed off. "I understand Hyung." I quickly said back. "We can walk you inside and wait for you in the waiting area. That way we will be close by. Would that be okay?" NamJoon spoke up. "Yes." YoonGi said as he breathed out sounding a bit relieved.

YoonGi's POV

     Walking into Dr. Bae's office for the second time today has me on edge a bit. I didn't tell HoSeok that I had a panic attack this morning or what we had talked about. 'Shit. I didn't really talk that much. I was too busy panicking to even say a word about what had happened.' I took a deep breath and exhaled as I entered Dr. Bae's office. "I'm glad you're back YoonGi." Dr. Bae greeted. I nodded and found a spot on the sofa again. Dr. Bae looked at me. "How are you feeling now?" Dr. Bae asked. I thought for a minute before answering. "I'm mostly angry and frustrated." I mumbled out. Dr. Bae nodded, once again make notes in his notebook. That's very understandable. "I feel... lost." I spoke low but he heard me. "That's okay YoonGi." Dr. Bae said firmly.

     Dr. Bae stood up and walked to his desk bringing back a big basket he had, had sitting behind it. It was full of bean bags. "What's that for?" I asked. "What do you do when you feel angry or frustrated?" Dr. Bae asked. "I used to go to gym." I mumbled out, missing the feeling of hitting a bag in frustration, lifting weights until I couldn't anymore, or running until I fell over completely exhausted. "That's good. Why use to though?" Dr. Bae asked. "What?" "You said you use to." Dr. Bae repeated my words back to me. "I...Jay..." My voice was shaky and I couldn't believe I had just brought him up? 'Why does he even matter?' My mind was spiraling around the thought of him. Dr. Bae tossed a bean bag and caught it in his hand, catching my attention. "What have you been doing lately when you feel angry or frustrasted?" Dr. Bae asked, changing his question. "Smoke and drink." I mumbled out, disappointed in my own answer. "I see." Dr. Bae responded. Then he did something I didn't see coming. He threw the bean bag at an empty wall in his office. The bean bag hit the wall hard with a thud.

     My eyes were open wide, my lips parted. "What? Why?" My voice trailed off. Dr. Bae chuckled. "Try it." Dr. Bae said as he tossed a bean bag to me. Catching the bean bag, I thought for a second while looking at it. Dr. Bae cocked his brow and smirked. "What are you waiting for?" Dr. Bae taunted. This felt stupid but I did it anyways. Dr. Bae kept handing me bean bags and I kept throwing them harder and harder. "Ahhh....." I yelled as I threw the last one, breathing heavy, I sat on the floor pushing my hair back. Dr. Bae sat next to me. I stared at the floor. "When did you start drinking and smoking again?" "After the first time h...." My voice trailed off as I realized what I was about to say.

     Dr. Bae cocked his brow. "The first time..." Dr. Bae wanted me to finish but the lump in my throat made it impossible for me to speak. "I...uhm....I..." I swallowed my spit hard. My hands started to shake. "YoonGi..." Dr. Bae spoke up. Apparently I had gone silent for a several minutes. "Its okay that you're not ready to talk about it." Dr. Bae continued. "You should be physically healed enough to start doing some light workouts just don't over do it. Working out again may help you to work through some of your feelings without having to rely on your old bad habits again." I knew what he was implying. *sigh* "I would like to quit again. I just don't want to remember everything." The last part came out as a whisper.

     "You think you can drown out what happened to you by drinking it away?" Dr. Bae asked. "I've been trying to." "Does that work for you?" Dr. Bae asked. I thought for a minute. "Sometimes, maybe?" "What do you mean by that?" He asked gently. "Sometimes if I drink enough, like blackout drunk enough, I can forget for a couple minutes. I pass out and can sleep longer than a couple hours." Dr. Bae looked at me with what seemed like a concerned look. "There are better ways YoonGi." "I know." I whispered. I knew what I was doing to cope wasn't really coping. "I feel like everything is falling apart and I'm drowning." I said barely above a whisper. "Did throwing the bean bags help relieve some of you anger and frustration?" "Yeah..." I whispered. "It did." I continued. "For now it might be a good idea to try doing this at home when you feel like you want to smoke or drink, at least until you can go back to your usual workout routine." Dr. Bae suggested. "Yeah. Okay." I agreed to his suggestion.

     "How are you feeling now?" Dr. Bae asked. "Okay. I guess." "Okay. We can stop here for today. I will see you tomorrow YoonGi." Dr. Bae said as we walked towards his office door. "Thanks Dr. Bae." I mumbled as I left. Walking to the waiting room and seeing HoSeok and NamJoon waiting for me was nice but at the same time I wish someone else was here waiting for me. All these years later and I still can't stop thinking about him. Sighing, I walk up to HoSeok. "We can go home now." He nodded and then timidly asked, "How'd it go?" "It was... enlightening." I said as we all got into the car to leave. HoSeok eyed me with a cocked brow and a questioning look.

     We headed home. The car ride was quiet. I scrolled through my phone ordering a bunch of bean bags so I can try what Dr. Bae had suggested. Luckily the bean bags would be arriving in the morning so I won't have to wait too long and I don't have to try to get them at the store where I would then have to explain to the guys where I was going and what for. I'm not even sure if they would understand. I feel stupid doing this but I don't want to do what I use to do when I felt like this. Not again. Never again.