Their Treasure [ONGOING][UNEDITED]

Nine - Trinette

Ryan woke me up in the kitchen last night, I wasn't sure why I was in there, or what had happened until Ryan explained it to me this morning and the fear of speaking was too extreme and I couldn't explain shit about what happened. I wanted to, my mind knew it was safe, it was my brain holding me back

Ryan explained the events of last night step-by-step to me, and although I wasn't aware or even conscious of my actions, I didn't blame my mind or brain for wanting to do that because I can never escape the memories.

These men are the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and it hurts that I can't share with them what I want to. I want to tell them how it is. I want to speak to them. I need their comfort. I need their love. I need their kisses and their love. But I can't escape the past year.

And something in my mind is stopping me from speaking and telling them. Part of it may be the fear of what would happen if I did speak because of what happened when William had me - even if my mind knew that they are nothing like him, and they are safe people. My brain didn't.

Oliver's mamma, Benedetta, came to me earlier and helped me, giving me advice and medication to help me deal with the withdrawal I was going through.

I feel like a passer-by in my own body. I don't feel like me anymore, it feels like I've long lost that person and it's so sad, because it feels like I've lost me...like I'm grieving the death of myself but I'm not dead? Maybe my spirit is dead, and I'm just a body? I don't know, and it's a hard feelings to explain. I'm just grieving the death of the girl I was last year. Because she's dead, she's gone. And it hurts so much

"Sweetheart?" Liam's soft voice called me as he came over to where I was sitting on Ryan's lap and sat next to us, pulling me out of my thoughts

"Where did you go just then, hmm?" He asked softly before continuing when he realised he wouldn't get an answer.

"Oliver wanted to ask you about something, do you mind coming with me? We're just going to him and the rest of the guys need to catch up with their families since we are going home soon" he asked and i nodded, he picked me up - not even allowing me to stand - as he took me to wherever we were going. I hadn't forgotten the way he sighed at me the other day when I didn't want to be left alone but after all I've been through that was minor and I'm probably overthinking it. I hope I'm overthinking it...

Arriving in a room, Oliver smiled and Liam sat us down before Oliver spoke

"How do you feel about starting to see a therapist and psychologist? We don't want to pressure you but we think it could be helpful." He asked and I took a breath before nodding at them. I would be eternally grateful for any help, anything to get me back, or even a fraction of me.