𝐑𝐞𝐝𝐚𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐲 - Maze Runner, Newt

Chapter fifty-two - Old Habits

Just before dinner, Logan asked me to come with him. Newt was still asleep and I hadn't left him until I followed Logan out. He walked a little further away from everyone, so it was less crowded around us.

'Yes?' I asked once he stopped walking and looked at me.

'Your wrist.' Logan wanted to check if I cut again.

I averted my eyes from my wrist, still scared to see it, and started unwrapping the bandages. Logan let out a small sigh when he saw I hadn't done it.

'You're doing great, Nora.' Logan said, truly cheerful. He put the bandages back on for me and I looked up again. 'Should we get dinner?' He asked.

'Sure.' We got ourselves some food and sat down at a table. Soon, Minho, Thomas, Chuck, and Teresa joined us. Everyone was talking until Minho noticed Newt wasn't there.

'Where's Newt?' He looked at me.

'He's sick.' I replied with a blank face. 'He has a fever and a bit of a cold.'

Minho nodded slowly. 'I'll go see him later.'

I continued eating and heard Thomas and Teresa talking to each other. I hadn't talked to them much, especially Teresa, but she seemed nice.

Quickly I finished and got up. 'I'm going to Newt.'

'What a surprise.' Minho mocked. I wasn't sure if he meant it jokingly or not.

I gave him a dirty glance and walked away. When I arrived in the med-hut I sat down on a chair and looked at Newt. He already looked better than before. I wondered if this was what it felt like for Newt when I was unconscious, just sitting on the chair and looking at the bed. It must've been horrible and I felt so guilty for doing it. Newt didn't leave the med-hut for a second because of me. He didn't help the others because of me. I loved him for doing that, but it was unnecessary.

I bit my lip and stared at my bandaged wrist. The scars would be there forever, I knew that. They would never fade away and it was awful. Everyone would see them if I wore a shirt and I felt ashamed. Eventually, people would ask what happened.

Hesitantly I looked at my right wrist, the one with no cuts. The skin on there wasn't harmed and I slowly trailed my fingers over it. My right wrist looked much better than the other, but something missed.

I turned my head to Newt again and watched his chest moving up and down in a steady way. Finally, he was asleep after two whole nights of staying awake, only because I ruined it. If I didn't fall asleep he would've been so tired and maybe even gotten sick.

No. Don't think like this. I can't do anything about the fact that he's sick. It's not my fault.

But it did feel like it was my fault. After all, I was still the reason Newt and Logan ended up in the pit. They only had a fight because of me, so it was my fault actually, I realized.

It's not. It's not. It's not.

I kept repeating. Slowly I made myself crazy with all the thoughts. I needed relief.

I promised them not to. Logan was proud of me today. I'm not going to do it.

But the urge was strong.

Just one more time.

With goosebumps all over my body, I walked into my hut. Hesitantly I grabbed the knife and looked at it. I felt bad for doing it, but I had to. I needed relief. Logan didn't ask me about my other wrist and I hoped he wouldn't do it the next time he checked.

After rolling up my sleeve I slowly trailed the knife down. Red blood flowed out of the cut and I winced in pain. My eyes turned watery, but I kept going. After two more cuts, I put the knife away.

All the guilt. Gone. All the sadness. Gone.

The only problem left was my wrist. Hoping Newt wouldn't wake up I got back into the med-hut and treated the cuts.

I finished quickly and rolled my sleeve back down again. Just then Thomas walked into the med-hut, to my surprise. I didn't expect him to sit down.

'Hey.' Thomas greeted.

'Hey.' I replied, way too casually.

'How's he doing?' Thomas looked at Newt.

'Better than before, I guess.' I got up and put my hand on Newt's forehead. 'His temperature is already getting lower.'

'Great.' Thomas responded. 'And how are you doing?'

His question surprised me. 'I'm fine.' The tone in my voice wasn't honest. 'And you?' I tried to change the subject.

'I'm great, thanks.' Thomas answered. Both of us were silent. There was tension, but it wasn't uncomfortable.

'I'm gonna go check if the others are still alive.' Thomas let out a small chuckle under his breath. 'I'll see you later.' He smiled and walked away.

I looked at Newt again and noticed his eyes slowly opening.

'Hey.' I immediately straightened my back and moved my chair closer to Newt.

'Hey, love.' His voice was a little hoarse.

'How are you?' I asked.

'Not very well, but better than before.' Newt admitted.

Without thinking I got up from my chair and wrapped my arms around him tightly. Hesitantly Newt hugged me back and I held him for at least five seconds. A feeling of safety washed over my body and somehow it was hard to let go.

'What was that for?' Newt laughed when I finally pulled back.

I shrugged and bit my lip. Deep down I knew what it was for. Even though Newt had been out for just a few hours, I had missed him. I had missed the way he would comfort me, so that's why it didn't take long for me to cut myself again.

'You okay?' Newt asked.

I nodded. 'Are you?'

'You already asked that, love.' Newt pointed out.

'Just wanted to make sure.' I lied.

'Yes, I'm doing okay.' Newt chuckled.

I felt myself getting tired. 'Can I lie next to you?' I asked.

'I would say yes, but I don't want to make you sick too, love.' Newt carefully answered.

'Please?' I pouted my lips.

Newt hesitated. 'Fine.' He moved to the side.

'My clothes-.' I realized.

Newt wanted to get up but I quickly interrupted him.

'I'll try it myself.' I announced. Newt gave me a nod. I started pulling my pants down with one arm.

Newt seemed surprised. 'You're doing it in here?' He asked.

'Yes.' I kept undressing until I was left in my underwear. It was too dark for Newt to see the new cuts on my wrist and I hoped he wouldn't see them the next day.

It wasn't as hard to put out my clothes as before. Quickly I laid down next to Newt, who moved to the side even more. I gave him a questioning look.

'I don't want you to get sick.' Newt whispered. He turned around so his back was facing me. I stared at the ceiling and tried to fall asleep, but couldn't. I turned and twisted, trying to find a comfortable position.

Newt stayed silent and I guessed he was asleep already. After a few more turns I got enough of it and moved closer to Newt. I wrapped my arm around him and put my leg over his legs, so we were in some kind of spooning position.

Newt let out a few groans but I ignored him and finally closed my eyes.