Heartbreaker ~ Larry Stylinson {English}

91. His chance, his love

~ Pov Harry ~ 

It is evening. The sun is almost down. There is an orange glow on the horizon. The last rays of the sun reach for his name, which is engraved on the stone. Kjell Simmons. Taking a deep breath, I gently lower myself onto the pebbles in front of his grave. I feel Louis's hand on my shoulder and see from the corner of my eye how he sits next to me. I hide my hands in my jacket pockets as a cold breeze blows past us."What did you want to tell me? And what does Kjell have to do with it?" I hear him ask. I close my eyes, wanting a moment to myself. I am ready. Ready to tell him everything. I just wish I could do this without being reminded myself. 

"It's been a year and a half. It was summer. Warm. Evening. There was a party. I went there with Zayn, Ash, Luke and Mel. We'd had quite a few drinks beforehand and just kept going when we were there. The occasional cigarette in between. I still remember how loud the music was. The bass beat with my heart and I felt the vibrations through my whole body." Louis puts his hand on my leg, squeezing gently, a sign that he's listening. I inhale before continuing.

"I was dancing. Sometimes with a girl who danced with her hips against mine and occasionally kissed my lips." I bite my lower lip, wishing the story would end, but unfortunately it has a full sequel. "At one point I was the one who was grabbed by my hips. Lips were pressed against my neck and whispered that I looked good by a manly voice. It scared me a bit at first. I had never been touched by another boy, let alone kissed but it felt good so I turned around. He had brown eyes and short hair. He was taller and more muscular than me. I remember a vague conversation between us as we danced to the beat of the music. Seconds later I started kissing him and letting him touch me all over. It felt good." 

I take Louis's hand. He doesn't say a word, doesn't move."

He took my hand and I followed him. Zayn, Luke and Ash had all seen us dancing, kissing and how it was clear we were up to something else now. And then I realised that I actually didn't want to. He took us to the bathroom and closed the door behind him so no one else could get in. He started kissing me. His hands were everywhere. And the more clothes he started taking off, the more I started to realise I didn't want to. I said I didn't want to go on, that I wasn't ready, but he wouldn't listen." I close my eyes, trying to banish the image from my mind.

"Harry..."

"He ripped my shirt open when I said stop. He turned me around so that my face was pressed against the cold wall as I started screaming for help. He touched me when I couldn't hold back my tears. And just when he wanted to go on, I heard a door of a toilet shack open. His hands were placed on my throat. I could barely breathe and every sound had become somewhat faint. I could just hear footsteps that seemed to get closer and closer. Before I knew it, his body was ripped from me and I collapsed on the cold tiles. It all happened so fast." 

I look up at the tombstone that still has old flowers on it. 

"After there was an argument and he ran out of the bathroom, someone sat in front of me. He had raven black hair and dark eyes, surrounded by some eyeliner." 

"Kjell..." I nod.

"Yeah. Kjell was the one who was there too. He was just smothering some weed in a toilet stall. If he hadn't been there-" I sigh, "it probably would have ended very differently."

"Who knows about this?"

"Mel. After Kjell tried to calm me down, he asked if there was someone he could get me. I knew the boys wouldn't understand, so he went and got Mel. They made sure I got out unnoticed. so no one would ask questions, because that's how I wanted it. I couldn't go home like that, so we went to Kjell's house. He gave me a new shirt, let me shower and even sleep there. The last month of the summer holidays I spent with him, he was always there for me, only I misused it and I started doing drugs. He warned me so much about it..." 

"But like me, you were way too stubborn?" I smile for the first time.

"Yes, you can say that, yes." I look at his grave and feel a small breeze blowing past us. "Kjell was good. He was good through and through, sincere. I didn't even know him and yet he took care of me. He let me sleep with him for weeks, and listened to me for months when I wanted to talk. Kjell helped me. But when school started up again, I wanted to pretend it never happened, so that meant I cut Kjell out of my life, too. Despite that I've blamed him for no reason, he never blamed me. On the contrary, he even sent me a message to say that he understood why I didn't want anything to do with it anymore. Understanding. He understood. While I treated him so badly. He even said that his door remained open for me and that I could always come to him. Now I just regret that I hadn't done it sooner."

Louis wraps his arms around me and hugs me. It feels like he will never let go of me and that feeling is reassuring. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Why didn't you ever speak up sooner?" I shrug.

"It was already known that I had voluntarily done things with that boy. I barely had any contact with you when it happened and when I could tell you, I wasn't much better at treating you myself..." He smiles weakly. 

"I promise you can always tell me everything, even if we don't have contact. I will always be there for you. Kjell may not be able to do it for you anymore, and not for me either, but I promise you, you can come to me for anything..." I let go of him softly.

"I promise I'll tell you everything from now on, no more secrets. Whatever happens between us. I trust you."

"I trust you." He leans his head on my shoulder with a smile. I rest myself against him. "I miss him," he sighs. I stare ahead.

"I miss him too."

"I wish he was still here so we could help him the way he helped us."

"He helped himself. Something neither of us could do." We intertwine our fingers. 

"And yet we are the ones who are still alive... It's unfair." 

"You can't look at it that way."

"How else am I supposed to see it?"

"We both loved him. Kjell decided instead of choosing his happiness, to give us that chance. Not with him, but with each other. We owe everything to him. Without him we probably wouldn't be here anymore. He gave his life to us, his chance, his love. And now it's up to us to never let it go."

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I love you Kjell <3