Heartbreaker ~ Larry Stylinson {English}

72. I'm waiting.

Songs for this chapter:

Heal - Tom Odell

Another love - Tom Odell

~ We were always meant to say goodbye ~ 

~ Pov Louis ~ 

Gray clouds hang over our heads as their tears fall on us. Just like mine that end up broken on the ground. The icy wind blows through marrow and bone. It's quiet. Empty. I wait. For him. Until I hear his voice in this chilly atmosphere or when his laughter lights up this dark path of small pebbles. I wait for his words that will stop the rain from falling or his crazy jokes that would catch my tears and dry them. I'm waiting for him. I'm waiting for nothing.

I look up and a tear falls to the floor. Nobody catches it. A long brown coffin stands a few meters in front of me. I close my eyes again. I can't watch it. I don't want to. Because it just confirms the fact that I've lost him. And I'm not ready for that yet. I don't think I ever will be.

"Hey," I hear vaguely next to me. It takes a lot of effort to look at that person. I see Harry looking at me, one of the few present at the funeral. He seems to have no words, but his teary eyes could write books full of them. He moves closer to me so I can get under his umbrella. And it's only when the rain stops falling against my skin that I realize how cold it is. So cold. "The pastor wants to start, are you ready?," he asks softly. I shake my head. 

"No, but I have to." I feel his hand pinch my shoulder and I look at him. "Is everyone here?" And by everyone I mean the two of us, Niall, Liam and Jason. 

"Yeah. Mel and Zayn are here as support too, but if you'd rather, they can leave-" I shake my head. 

"No. It's okay." I try to give him a smile. "Thank you."

I look at the pastor and nod as a sign that he can start, even though I don't want to hear about it. He didn't even know Kjell. Nobody here. Just me and Harry. We're the only ones.

"We gathered here today to say goodbye to Kjell Simmons. Someone we say goodbye to way too soon and we must let go. He was young and still entitled to a full life. He was a good friend and was loved. Does anyone want to say something as goodbye?" All eyes are on me, but it is Harry's that I answer. 

"I don't know if I can do this." He tries to smile through his tears, but fails. 

"You are so strong, Louis. You can do this."

With my head bent over, I walk over to his coffin, exactly where the priest stood a few seconds ago. I take a small piece of paper from my pocket and try to read it. But my tears make my vision so blurry, I can barely see anything. And the rain washes away the ink slowly, as if there was never a word written. "I uh-" I try to look at everyone. "I didn't know Kjell that long. But in the time we spent together, I can tell you that he's an incredible person who deserved to be with us longer. He deserved more people who loved him. He deserved more than this." I look around me.

"There's none of his family here. No mother, no father, no aunt or uncle. Nobody. I have tried to reach someone, but there was no one who dared to talk to me about him. Isn't that terrible? Some parents don't even know they don't have a son anymore. Isn't that fucked up? Kjell deserved love and warmth and no one ever gave him that! I wish that for him more than I wish it for myself because he deserved it. And when he finally got it, when he finally felt a little bit of what happiness was-" I snap my fingers. "So. Suddenly. Gone. And so was he."

I close my eyes. "Kjell..." My lower lip trembles. "I just want to tell you that I-" I can't. I put a trembling hand over my eyes and start to cry. 

"I just want to say that I'm incredibly grateful to have known you," I hear a voice say next to me. I look up with tearful eyes. Harry has my piece of paper and has taken it from me. He gives me a look as he continues reading. "I met you in my darkest period, when I was at my lowest and I want you to know that you are the one who carried me into the light. You helped me when you needed it yourself. I'm sorry I was never able to fully do the same. I wish I had more time to see that smile of yours. I wish you were happier for longer before they took you away from us. I wish you were still here."

He stops reading for a moment, takes a deep breath and swallows his tears. I intertwine our fingers. "But it's time for me to say goodbye. I have to let you go, even if it's the last thing I want. So here you go, goodbye. Take care, be happy and make sure you have good stories for me when we meet again. See you soon, because we certainly will. It may take a very long time, but wait for me. You are forever in my heart. Bye Kjell..."

Everyone is holding two roses. One white and one red. I'm the first to put them on his coffin. Harry follows me, then Mel. She comes to stand in front of me. "Condolences." I nod. Zayn is next in line and shakes my hand after gently placing the roses on his coffin. 

"I'm so sorry for your loss." Again I nod as a 'thank you'. Niall, Liam and Jason are the last to hug me tightly. "We're so sorry, Louis. Deepest condolences." I release them after a few seconds and when the coffin slowly disappears into the ground and everyone leaves one by one, I'm left alone with Harry by my side.

"Shall I take you home?" I shake my head. 

"No. I want to be alone for a while." I turn my back to him and walk away at a leisurely pace, but he stops me. 

"Louis-" 

"It's okay. I'm not going to do anything stupid, trust me." He looks at me. 

"I trust you. I'm just worried. I don't want you to be alone, not now." 

"Harry, I don't want to talk." 

"You don't have to, I just want you to be safe." I briefly take one of his hands. 

"Don't worry about me. I'll go home in an hour, promise. But I just want to be alone for a while." He nods with some doubt. 

"Okay..."

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God, I always cry when I read/write this. I miss Kjell.

And aside, meaning of a white and red rose together: A white and red rose together stand for unity, connection and eternal being together. White also indicates that love and the feeling of being together transcends death and time or place.

Take care, I love you all x