Always Been You | Tom Holland

THIRTY-FOUR

Y/N

"Y/N."

My eyes shoot open and Tom is in front of me, releasing a hug from Sam. He looks just as shocked as me. He also looks... different. I feel sick. I actually feel like I'm going to vomit. What a sight that would be. Hey Tom, nice to see you. Haven't spoken to you in months. Blehhhh. I feel like the whole party has gone silent. Maybe I'm just losing my hearing. Am I going deaf? I see people's mouths moving. No sound is hitting my ears. Everything is moving in slow motion and I feel like I'm underwater.

"Let's get you some air." Jane's voice brings everything back to regular motion as she swoops me out of the living room and into the garden in record time. "I'm so sorry, Y/N. I had no idea Ben was working with him on this surprise. He didn't tell me." She scolds as Ben walks outside to join us.

"I didn't tell you because I wanted you to be surprised, too." He scolds back. "Y/N, I'm so sorry. I didn't think you were coming. Once I got him here, I was going to text you and give you a heads up." I feel like I'm floating above my body and watching this all happen from above. I feel my chest tightening and I know I'm in the beginning stages of a panic attack. My fight or flight has been activated, and clearly, my body has chosen flight. "Y/N?"

"I need water." Jane is shivering. I know it's freezing outside. I'm too overwhelmed to notice or care. She rushes inside and brings me two water bottles, opening one before she hands it to me. "Thank you." I chug it and continue my breathing.

In for 5, hold for 5, out for 5.

In for 5, hold for 5, out for 5.

Chug.

In for 5, hold for 5, out for five.

Chug.

In for 5.

Chug.

Hold for 5.

Chug.

Out for 5.

Stupid breathing exercises never fucking work.

I put my head in my hands and try to recenter myself. I'm a fucking psychologist, for God's sake. I should be able to work through this. I'm a strong woman. I shouldn't be letting a man make me feel like this. It's not like he's having this reaction to seeing me. He's probably totally fine. He's sure seemed totally fine since he left.

Now my anger is making the pain in my chest worse. I feel tears pricking at my eyes. My throat feels tight and my nose is tingly. I don't want to cry. I don't want to give him that satisfaction. But I think it's too late.

"Go inside. It's freezing." I sniffle. Luckily I can get away with a runny nose when it's this cold outside. "I just need a minute alone." Jane and Ben exchange looks, having a full conversation just through their facial expressions. It's a few seconds before they silently stand up and walk back inside.

I bring my knees up to my chest and rest my arms and head on top. I breathe in and out a few more times before the tears spill over my eyes and fall to the ground, freezing the moment they touch the wood beneath me. They create an icy painting on the patio. What a concept for a modern art exhibit. Tears Frozen in Time. I could make millions.

I hate that I'm still crying over him.

I hate that he's here.

I hate that he's ruined my night.

I hate that I don't hate him.

I hear footsteps behind me and I lift my head only slightly to speak. "I told you guys to go inside." No response. I turn my head to see Tom's figure silhouetted by the lights from the kitchen. "Oh, great." I place my head back on my arms and wipe the tears from my face as best as I can. I know he's going to know I was crying. I wipe anyway.