Always Been You | Tom Holland

THIRTY-ONE

Y/N

I slip Tom's bowtie off and unbutton a few buttons on his shirt, slipping my hand inside. It's taking everything in me not to collapse at the mere feeling of his abs. It's so childish, but I've never felt his bare chest before. I feel giddy. He groans into my mouth and I swear, I almost pass out. I unbutton the rest of his shirt and kiss his cheek, and then his neck, my hands continuing to explore his torso. Another groan.

The next few minutes are a blur. I pull his shirt off, my dress is halfway unzipped, and he's leading me to one of the beds. As he's walking me backward, I begin to unbuckle his belt and suddenly his hands are on my arms and he's pulling away from me.

"I need to tell you something." He has my lipstick on his lips. And his neck. It makes me feel dizzy.

"Right now?" My hands are literally frozen on his belt buckle. He's shirtless. I'm nearly naked.

"Yes." He steps back and my hands fall to my sides.

"Okay... what?" I sit on the bed and take off my heels.

"Earlier, when I stepped out to make a phone call..."

"Yeah?" I'm struggling to unbuckle one of the straps of my heels. I'm focused on my shoes and not really paying attention to him.

"I called Ben."

"Okay, what for?"

I'm unsure why he's telling me this. He calls my brother all the time.

"I told him."

"You... told him." I'm confused and I'm starting to get frustrated. "Can you stop being so cryptic?" I refocus on getting my shoes unbuckled. Why the hell did I make them so damn tight?

"I told him about... about us." I snap my head up and look at him. "You know how much I hate lying to him."

"Tom," I stand up. "Why would you do that? We said we wouldn't tell anyone until we were ready."

"Well, I felt ready!" He shrugs.

"Oh, you felt ready," I scoff. "You felt ready. That's great, Tom. That is so typical. Did you not stop one time to think about how I might feel?"

"I kind of thought you'd be relieved."

"Relieved?" I can't help but laugh.

"I'm guessing that's not the case." He bows his head.

"No, Tom, it isn't. Telling people means we need to put a label on this. Telling people means we need to have conversations that I'm not ready for. Telling people means I need to address something that gives me massive anxiety. Telling my brother means this is real." Fuck. That wasn't the right word.

Tom

"Real?" I look at her. I'm utterly confused. "If this isn't real, then what is it? Because I've been going about thinking this was moving toward something. I've been treating this as if it was real."

"That's not–"

"No, really, tell me what you mean. Tell me what's going on, please, because I think you owe me some kind of insight into your mind, considering I've already given you a glimpse into mine." I'm really angry.

"Yeah, you've made it very clear how you feel." She's angry, too.

"What does that mean?" She is pacing across the room from me. Her dress is still partially unzipped and I can see the freckles on her skin. I hate that I'm still thinking about grabbing her and kissing her. Not sure that's the move right now.

"Every other minute, it's 'my love' or 'I love you'. I'm constantly reminded that I need to sort out my feelings." My head is spinning. I can't believe this fight.

"Well, I'm sorry for reminding you that someone cares for you. I witnessed you date someone who treated you poorly for over a year." I scold. "I just want you to be cared for. If that makes me such a terrible guy–"

"Tom, that is not what I mean and you know it. Do not put words in my mouth." She's never spoken to me like this. We've never fought like this. "I just, ugh, you had no right to tell Ben. I'm not even sure how I feel and now I'm going to have him down my throat about it."

"Not sure how you feel? I think it was pretty clear how you felt just a few minutes ago," I laugh.

"Oh, real nice, Tom." There are no words to describe the look on her face. A look that I caused.  "You crossed the line, Tom. You had no right to do that without talking to me first. We promised each other that we'd keep this between us until we figured out what exactly we wanted." The room is cold. I feel dizzy. "I've never felt that I couldn't trust you, even during our worst fights. Now..." She throws her hands up. "I'm not sure anymore."

We're silent. She's really upset with me.

"Y/N–"

"Please don't. I don't want to say something I'll regret." She looks at me. Her eyes are sad. "I really don't like how you spoke to me tonight." I feel like a knife has been lodged into my chest. Everything I've been working toward has been ruined all because I'm a jackass and I let my anger take over. "And right now, I'm too angry with you to talk to you anymore. I just need some space."

"Y/N, I'm sorry –" she holds her hand up.

"I'll sleep in the other room." I've gotta remember to thank Christine for getting a suite for us. She's silent as she grabs her bag and throws it over her shoulder.

"I can sleep in there –"

"It's fine. Goodnight."

She's gone and the door between the rooms is closed. I could kick myself. I'm a monumental idiot. I love this girl and I blew it because I had to jump the gun and tell Ben because it made me uncomfortable to lie to him. I wasn't even really lying to him. I just wasn't telling him the whole truth.

I knew she wasn't ready to put a label on this or address our situation. We were fine and happy where we were. And I decided to make a decision for the both of us. Ironic considering I've been preaching about how poorly women are treated. My feminist card needs to be revoked.

I'm sober and sad. And shirtless. I fought with Y/N for 10 minutes fully shirtless. If I wasn't so upset I'd be laughing. I need to just sleep this off. We have to endure the drive home tomorrow and I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle it if we're not speaking to each other. I just hope she can forgive me and allow me to earn her trust back.

Though, I'm not sure I deserve that.