Always Been You | Tom Holland

ELEVEN

Tom

Well, things are right back where they were when I first came home a month ago. Y/N and I haven't talked in over a week. Granted, I left her house saying we shouldn't talk. I guess there was a part of me that hoped she'd reach out anyway. There is just something eating away at me. I've felt downright awful since I've come home, and somehow it's gotten even worse. I mean, why did I even come home if I'm just going to feel like shit the entire time I'm here? Fucking hell.

I sit at my kitchen table, alone, and pick at the breakfast I made myself even though I'm really not hungry. I feel like I've been living in limbo since Y/N's party a few days ago. I don't want to admit it, but I think I actually miss her. Mending our friendship was helping to mend me, as well. This summer has been so rough for me, and I feel like now I've taken two steps back. Fuck, dude, why is this so difficult?

And to make things worse, my birthday is in a few days and Jane just insists on throwing a party. I'm so fucking over parties. I feel like I just want to lay in bed for the rest of the summer, wasting away like a decaying carcass. But Jane, bless her, won't allow it. She's been in and out of my house party planning with my mum for days. She loves the idea of a black-tie event, so she had Law send over my best black-tie outfits. I guess I need to learn how to tie a tie before my party. Jane spares nothing when it comes to planning a party. 

My phone buzzing snaps me out of my stream of consciousness.

Ben

Up for a few swings at the range?

Tom

You buying the beers?

Ben

Sure.

I guess I'm going golfing.

-

"Fuck, mate," I watch Ben's ball fly off into the distance, disappearing after a few seconds in the sky.

"Been working on my swing," he smirks. "Hey, I have a question for you."

"Shoot," I pull my club back and swing, hitting the ball across the range, just not as far as Ben's. I try my best to hide how much it bugs me. As shitty as I feel, I will never lose my competitive edge.

"You're okay with this birthday party, right?" Ben leans on his club and adjusts his glove, looking at me with sincere eyes. He's worried about me, I can tell. It's not like I've been particularly strict about hiding how I've been feeling lately. 

"Of course, I am," I lie. "Why wouldn't I be?" I lean down and grab another ball, avoiding his stare boring into the back of my head. I can't stand the way he stares like that. He knows it'll eventually wear me down. Hence, my avoidance.

"Because you've been locked in your house since your fight with Y/N?" He leans around me and locks eyes with me, raising an eyebrow. He knows about our fight, but he doesn't know that we kissed. I figured he didn't need to know that part. My heart sinks hearing her name. "Mate, you've been a total hermit."

"Ah," I scratch the back of my neck. He's right. "I've just been drained. The party will be fun." I place my ball on the tee, line up my club and swing again, the ball soaring across the range. I surpass Ben's ball, finally. I look at him as he's placing his ball on his tee. "Is, uh, is Y/N coming?" I try to sound as casual as possible.

"Jane says she will be." Ben rips his glove off and throws it in his bag. "I'll make sure it's fun. Let's grab a beer."

Ben and I sit at our usual table and order the beers he promised to pay for. I haven't had much of an appetite lately, and I'm not sure why. I just can't bring myself to eat much. I'm typically such a foodie, but I've been eating solely for sustenance. Dramatic, I know. Coming home for the summer was supposed to help me relax, but it only seems to have made me feel worse. Which is super great. Maybe the party will help lift my mood. Maybe.