Holy Jokes & MHU-Lucius Is a Trendsetter

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Draco sighed as he pushed his food around.
"This is your own fault, dear. You know how Sirius gets." His Mother chuckled as she cut up her dinner. He knew he shouldn't have pushed Sirius but the man made it so easy to upset him!
"I hadn't expected Harry to get mad though." He said as he pushed his plate away. Sirius had banned him from the house for three days. Draco was already going through withdrawals as he longed for his husband.
"Some things should stay between lovers. Do you think I told anyone when I first shagged your Father?" He grimaced in disgust but didn't dare interrupt her.
"Of course, I wanted to shout it from the rooftops but your Father is a delicate flower. He would have been so embarrassed." Draco had once seen his Father walk out in public with his robe tucked into the back of his underpants. When someone pointed it out, he somehow managed to convince them it was intentional. He gave his Mother a look full of disbelief.
"It's true! I made a similar mistake when we were young. I wrote out all of the baby names I loved and sent them to everyone in our House for constructive criticism. Your Father didn't talk to me for a week! It had been awful." Draco prayed Harry wouldn't ignore him for a whole week! He would simply die. He shoved his chair back before announcing "Thank you for the pep talk, Mother. I'm going to go write my obituary. If I don't come out of my room, please have Herm read it at my funeral." His Mother nodded solemnly before responding.
"I understand, my son. I will honor your wishes." They shared a look full of understanding before he left. His Father always complained that he was a clone of his Mother and they both knew it was true. He laid down on his bed and stared at the ceiling. Perhaps he could sneak over? Sirius couldn't be that mad, right? An owl swooped into his room and a red envelope fell from its feet. The howler shook itself before shouting "Mini Malfoy! I'm assuming by now you've managed to convince yourself that it's safe for you to come sniffing around my godson. I would like to remind you that I duel to kill. I've already been to prison and I don't mind going back. If you step foot on my property before your three day banishment is up, I will mount your head on the wall." He gave a squawk before his Uncle's voice came through "Don't worry, Draco. He's only partially joking. We will see you in a couple of days." It burst into flames and he screamed into his pillow. Life wasn't fair! He took a calming breath before reaching for some parchment.
"Hello. I would like to thank my friends and family for coming today. If you are reading this, I've died from losing my heart. Lord Black is the one to blame. He has banished me from my beloved's side. I know my Vice President will seek revenge on my behalf. Harry my darling, I will be waiting for you on the other side. Please always keep me in your heart. Eternally yours , Draco." He thought it was short and sweet. He set the letter on his desk before laying back down on his bed. A tapping came from his window and he yanked the curtains open to find Harry peering back at him. He threw the window open and Harry tumbled through, his broom hitting him in the shoulder.
"Harry?" He gasped and his darling shook his head, his hair flying everywhere.
"Hi babe!" He beamed and Draco scooped him up before wrapping him in his blanket.
"What are you doing here?" Only Harry's head peeked out as he gave him a smile.
"Papa said you couldn't come over, he didn't say anything about me being grounded from your house." Draco reached forward and kissed his nose.
"Brilliant, my love!" As he wrapped his arms around him, he casually burned his letter. He no longer needed it since his darling was back in his arms.

~~~~~~

Neville yawned as he leaned against Herm, trying to steal some of her body heat. They had been sitting in this tree for three hours as they watched the house across the street. Herm was convinced they were getting closer to Dumbledore's location and Neville had nothing better to do. Luna had left with her dad that morning. They were going to go look for Bigfoot. Apparently Mrs. Tonks had convinced her it was real.
"Nev, look!" Herm smacked his arm and he squinted through the darkness. It looked like someone was sneaking into the house! They shared a look before Herm launched out of the tree, landing gracefully on the ground. Neville took a deep breath before following her. She caught him and set him down carefully.
"Thanks, Herm!" He whispered and she grinned at him, her eyes glowing with excitement.
"Let's go kick some arse!" They slowly snuck behind the house and Herm wrapped her jacket around her fist before punching through the window. She reached her hand in and unlocked it before pushing it open. She threw her leg over and quietly helped him through. They could hear someone in the next room over and she moved her hands around as he stared blankly at her. She rolled her eyes before murmuring "follow my lead!" She grabbed the baseball bat out of her bag and got into position. The sound got closer and she swung, the bat making contact with something. It gave a loud groan and she swung again. Neville switched on the muggle light and they looked down to find one of the twins curled into a ball.
"Fred?" Herm asked in shock and he looked up at them.
"Well lookie here! I thought it was odd I felt turned on by someone beating the shit out of me. Turns out it was because my darling girl was beating me up. You want to give it another go?" He asked as he sprawled out, his legs open wide. Neville quickly covered his eyes as he turned around.
"Fred, get up! What are you doing here?" She asked, propping the bat on her shoulder. He snickered but stood up.
"George and I heard that old Bagshot might be hiding Dumbledore in her broom closet so we thought we'd take a peek." George came striding into the room and smiled at them.
"Oi! I didn't know we were meeting Herm here." He leaned over and kissed her cheek. She glared at them before placing her hands on her hips.
"You're both ruining my operation! Neville, you know what to do." He froze as she turned to look at him, his string cheese hanging out of his mouth.
"Neville!" She cried out and he stomped his foot.
"Herm, we've been sitting in that blasted tree forever! I'm starving, let me eat." He whined and she pinched her nose before taking a deep breath.
"You're right. I'm sorry." He handed her a string cheese and she unwrapped it and took a bite.
"You're not you when you're hungry, Herm." He said and she giggled.
"Thanks, Nev. Now have you found anything?" She asked and they both shook their heads.
"Looks like Bagshot hordes newspaper clippings but nothing too incriminating." She sighed and said "We should probably go. The school board meeting will be ending soon." They turned to leave and they all stopped when Dumbledore stepped out from the closet, his wand held in his hand.
"Leaving so soon, children?"

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