Rebels have hearts!

Chapter 14: Socializing with pain

Zak

I walk into Afrikaans class. I see Magen and Dia talking together. They start laughing as I walk towards my desk. Magen sends me a stink eye before turning back to Dia. Dia turns to look at me before turning back to Magen. Dia and I were fine yesterday, she seems to be ignoring me.

I put my bag against my desk and wait for other people to walk in the class to chat with them. I do not know why but Dia can make me nerves and self-conscious about myself.

I wonder why and how she can have the effect on me. No one has ever done that. Teagan walks into the classroom. I have not talked to Teagan after finding out she started a fight with Dia. It is so annoying when girls fight over a guy, like can't they just talk it out or something. I guess not, maybe it has to do something with territory. I have no idea where Teagan got her guts from because Dia fights for money.

Jeffrou (Ma'am- female teacher) walks into the class. The rest of the class walk into the classroom, they no longer have little chats with themselves but rather quiet.

Jeffrou turns to look at the people entering the classroom. She gives them the stink eye before handing out our tests back to us- our cycle tests we wrote yesterday. Today is Wednesday. I have Chemistry slashed physics later, maybe then I can ask how her leg is and why she was at the hospital.

I answered her question, hopefully she will answer mine because I doubt Teagan did the damage to her. Damage in which she ends up at the hospital.

Jeffrou puts my test facing downwards on my desk. I take a deep breathe in. I let out a shaky breath before turning my page the right way.

Ma'am has a comment on my paper 'Baie mooi,' (Very nice- in this statement, mooi can also mean pretty) did ma'am say my test is pretty or does she mean nice? Mooi in Afrikaans means pretty. Maybe ma'am meant very nice. My eyes do not want to roam down to see the mark. My stomach feels unsettled, and I feel some liquid climbing up my throat.

I quickly turn my paper on the other side.

If I do not pass this test, does it mean I am dumb. Is my worth passed on a number on a test? Does my worth reflect the test marks. Does my worth get less if I do not get a 90? Does my intelligence lower if I do not get a 90? Am I still perfect if I do not get a 90?

My hand accidently hits the table and I get away from my thoughts. My heart starts beating really fast and I can heart the beats in my ears. I feel acid at the back of my throat.

I need to get out of here. I can not let anyone know I have a weakness. I must seem perfect all the time. I am alright, this is normal.

It is so tiring trying to be perfect every day and sometimes I wish I can let myself crumble down but who will pick me up? No one, everyone leaves after a while or solve their problems with bottles- pill bottles, cigar bottles or alcohol bottles. I can not turn out like my brother. The money my parents have paid the newspaper reports to cover up my brother's addiction was a lot.

My parents had to send my brother to rehab during august holidays. It was the worst cover up, but money can cover up anything and everything. It was an absolute mess my brother had made and now he could have started the drug again. I know fighting an addiction is hard, but he should have asked for help instead of getting more supplements of the medication.