Mika

Eighty-Four Asiel

Let go by BTS is a good song for this chapter too💜❤️

My fingers roll the ring back and forth — a soothing effort to minimize everything tied to this silver object. The sunlight sails in from the parted curtains, glimmering our black italics initials. It's the first time I entered this room since the shattering events from a week ago. I run my hand over the stubble on my chin, pinching my eyes shut.

It still smells exactly like her — strawberry mist.

By the time ambulances and fire trucks arrived on the scene, there was nothing left but flames they couldn't put out in time to save anything. The building burned away into dust, leaving nothing but a charred, empty reminder in its wake. None of the bodies were recognizable. They were too burned to be identified. It's stupid of me to cling to the hope that continuously failed me and believe that somehow Mika made it out of there.

But it's just not possible.

Mama died the following night.

I should have never left her to fight alone. I should have taken the bullet in the stomach-- because now, I don't even want to be here anymore. I could've saved her, but I walked away instead. Mika is dead because of me. Everything I have is pointless without her. It's pathetic of me to cry, to want change when I'm the catalyst of it all. I broke up with her. I threw our entire relationship away to honor my brother-- my brother, who's a rapist.

Why wouldn't Mika tell me?

Why let Mateo be the bearer of the tragic news? The truth coming from Mateo is incredibly hard to believe, but how can I turn a blind eye? There was a certain spine-chilling glimmer in Mateo's eyes when he mentioned Ander's involvement like he couldn't be any happier to wreck my view on Ander. A sinking feeling deep in my gut tells me it's the truth.

Ander wasn't the perfect big brother that I thought he was.

My attention snaps to the knock on the door. "Sorry to interrupt, Jefe. It's time to head to the funeral."

I sigh, running my palm down my face. "I don't want to. Going means accepting it's real, and I don't want to. I-I can't."

Julian sighs deeply and slumps down onto the mattress, causing my body to jolt upward. "Asiel, you need to go. Take this as closure. To find peace to move on from everything that's happened."

Tears well up in my irises. "Please don't force me to go. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to feel this ache in my heart anymore. Seeing her name on a grave will cause more harm than good."

Julian stands up from the mattress. "I won't force you, Asiel. You're twenty-two, you make your own decisions. I'll wait ten minutes in the car in case you change your mind, but I'm going." The ground creaks against his shoes as he leans against the doorframe. "I think Mika would want you to be happy, Jefe. Not loathing in your bedroom. She would want you to say goodbye and move on."

I wipe my tears with my hoodie, glancing at the backside of Julian. "I want to be alone."

"Okay."

With frustration fueling my movements, I toss the ring into the bedside table, sitting it at an angle in the drawer. Julian is so fucking annoying! I know that's what Mika wants, but I can't do it. How am I supposed to find a purpose? What is there left for me to accomplish? I failed at every task thus far. I might be twenty-two years old, but tantrums aren't below me.

I throw every single thing in my room.

I want this fucking place unrecognizable.

Memories of us decorate every inch of this room. Cuddling, kissing, making love, laughing, talking-- it's happened here. Every blink, every wallpaper, every inch stirs the pang in my soul. How do I let go if she's everywhere I breathe? My rampage halts at the sight of Mika's duffel bag in the corner of the room--from the night when Mateo unleashed everything.